Making a Left in a World of Right Turns

I beg your pardon?

2009-10-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, I just took one of those Facebook quizzes... it was called, "What niche San Francisco stereotype are you." After answering 5 lame questions, this is what it said...word for word...no shit...

Gay Fuzzy Bear of the Castro

You are a big fat gay dude who loves the man's ass. You love leather and fuzzy chests. In fact that is the only thing that remotely resembles a noble bear, is the hair. Other than that a bear would maul your ass and eat you for dinner.

Mtt wehnt tyo brreacudea lst nghght

2009-09-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

Oh blog, it's been sooooo long since we've chatted. I've been super busy with work ... blah blah blah... but last night reinvigorated me to chat with you again. Matt went out last night to Bearacuda and oh did the drunk texts abound. Take a peek. This is an ACTUAL transcription. My favorite is actually the last line... where he somehow inserted this character ^ into his text... LOL... That's my honey!!! Also notice how many texts he does in a row... without any response.

Matt: I'MNE FSIRY SIURE I'M DRUNKLK OMG FOUCKING LOMNG ISLANDF COCKLRTAILS

Matt: I"Im gairty siurei'm trasjhed lol fammnit

Matt: Thkrtrsr a xhanxe eric and ee njj!

Matt: Tyhjnnjt hg gtyhnn

Matt: .ammg thois is the tomnri chrexk outt

Matt: I'MN PREETY SIREWI'? VEYOND DRUBK OLOK I LOVE MY HHHHAONEY NBEAYR

Matt: Og sjgiit gabrbe anf r teyibiig to get! awker

Matt: I THLIINK ALDRICHJ jioust have m e ahug

Dave: Sounds fun hunny. Come home safe.

Matt: I Ihk mu himehybetah so myxhzzz!!!!

Matt: Hkomily to u babnmy baeasr

Dave: LOL Glad u r having a good time

Matt: Ykes bu t ikI'm totallu y fucktted up

Dave: I can tell...LOL I'm off to sleep babes muah! Can't wait for you to get home

Matt: I indove my abbabheyneryz!!!

Matt: sjo eric mam abd gsldj r here so maybr m y they can tqkre me hoeme

Matt: I THIVNK ANDUTU ID ORDWRING MER AN HAM CRAPRE O RM SHIT

Matt: O bgh we7kre got s ham som byjing dannwicjhhhib mimss maj memberhr!!!!!!! goddddmkbit a

Matt: Oond g my fgawd. kh^l) so trajzched i thkink andty iks ciminbhg to gret me

A skosh nervous

2009-07-28T08:30:00.001-07:00

It's funny to be so nervous about something. It's one part exhilaration, one part perspiratio. I know I'm 42 and an adult but I have to admit that in this moment, I feel like a teen/twenties again. Not from a "oh how youthful I feel" but more from a reminiscent feeling of youth.

This weekend I'm flying to Harrisburg to meet Matt's family and friends. I'm nervous about a few things. Of course, the obvious is "Will they like me?". I know that's silly but it is a concern. Although he's open to his parents and they've met his previous partner, it's still a big moment - especially since we don't live close to them AND I'm staying at their house. So this isn't like a meet-n-greet casual dinner and then back home. This is 4 days of staying with them - so it's gonna be lashes set to "charming" for 96 hours! I know it will all be fine - and I'll love them and they'll love me... blah blah blah... but it doesn't change the fact that these nerves are present - and I fear any awkward silences... GAWD I hate the awkward silence. I'll probably just go into Super-chatty mode - which I also need to be conscious of so as not to turn them off...that can be equally as annoying as awkward silences.

One blessing is that Tress, one of Matt's best friends that I'm close with, will also be in Harrisburg staying with us at his parents, so there will be some comic relief as they have known Tress for some time and also adore him. And having him there too will really ease things for me.

Other shining stars are that I've met 2 other dear friends of his that live back there - Lika and Jesse. As long time family friends of Matt's, it's also nice to know there will be familiar faces to see.

The other part I'm nervous about is being a big soggy mess. It'll be August in Pennsylvania...that translates to muggy and hot. Not this bear's best microclimate. Other than trapping myself indoors surrounded by central air, I'm sure we'll need to leave the sanctuary and venture into the swampy outdoors and into a steamy car...enough times for me to be soaked and stinky. That'll impress 'em!

My last nerve-making issue is "Keeping up with the Grigoryans". You see, I've been fairwarned that doing vodka shots is a common occurence during meals to celebrate visitors...a holiday...oxygen... so I'm really nervous about being able to keep up and not accidentally hurl smoked salmon all over my new mother-in-law. "Oh Matt...he's just deLIGHTful!" Matt said he'll teach me how to say "half-size please" in Russian so they'll pour me smaller shots, but I'm sure that translates into "Big pussy here" and I don't want to embarass Matt to his family.

I'll be thankful for three things:
1. I hit it off with his family and friends
2. The humidity and heat don't melt me
3. I pack Advil

Stay tuned for the post-trip report.

Baby make? Good baby.

2009-07-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Funny how when we're infants, the grandest thing you can do to receive acclaim is poop your pants. Unveiling a hot and heavy steamer in the nest of a diaper is a treasure chest when you're at the pacifier stage.

Not so much when you're 42.

Last week I was suffering from the onset of a severe stomach flu or food poisoning. I tried coming to work but was exhausted and dehydrated from my hours on the throne. I crawled into the backseat of my car to grab a quick catnap to help invigorate me.

When I awoke, I felt another rumble in the Bronx, sat up in the car, and headed towards the public restroom in our office complex. On the way...I sensed something running down the back of my thigh. I stopped. Touched my ass. And, yes, to my chagrin my entire backside was soaked with my sick.

I then had to walk through the office complex courtyard where people lounged to get to the restroom. Interject "MORTIFIED" look on my face when I got to the restroom and pulled off my jeans. OH EM GEE!!

I basically had to bathe myself, toss the "treasure chest" into the garbage can, and get to my parent's house which was only 7 miles from work. But the worse part was that I had to put those NASTY WET jeans back on to get back to my car.

I did, and hurried back through the complex courtyard, pivoting by passer-bys pretending to talk on my cell phone so I could keep my front to everyone. So stealth.

When I got to my car, I realized I couldn't sit on the seat, so I took off my pants in the parking garage, and planned to drive naked to my parent's. But this journey is not over. I sat in the car only to be welcomed to the stench that I had just left behind in the bathroom. I turn around and see a wet spot on the backseat. I guess when I sat up from my nap - that's when it occurred. I quickly put those nasty jeans back on, ran around to the back and soaked the seat with water from my gym bottle...and scrubbed fast and furious in my best Joan Crawford because I truly was MAD AT THE DIRT.

I got naked once again, crawled into the driver seat and drove to my parents house. It was so weird to drive naked from the waist down. OK, it was a little exciting. Got to parent's house, had to put those damn jeans back on again to get into the house. Once in, I crawled into bed to sleep the adventure away.

Precious.

Fabulous Atrocity...?

2009-06-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

...or Atrocious Fabulosity? You decide...

Can you imagine a house filled with mirrored furniture? hi, narcissa

Good Morning from Manhattan

2009-05-22T09:39:00.001-07:00

I arrived in NYC last night...well, technically this morning at 1:30am...to be greeting by a cool spring eve. I grabbed a cab north for about 80 blocks from 33rd to 113th where Gabe and Jason live. I had the window down, and we drove up Central Park West the majority of the way - so I could looky-lou at all the grand parkside buildings.

This morning, Gabe and I headed out to have a Bagel and Lox at a historic Jewish deli/restaurant calle Barney Greenspan's. It was super tasty - but wow - $16 for a bagel with lox... welcome to Manhattan!

Then, after Gabe dropped into the subway system towards his meeting, I decided to walk approx 30 blocks through Central Park on my way back to his place. Once I stepped foot into the park, I realized that it's the first time I've ever really walked THRU the park.

It really is a spectacular park. So well manicured. Clean. Beautiful trails and water features. My favorite place was sitting down and enjoying "The Pond". I'd like to come back here with my honey, grab a spot under a tree and lay on a big blanket and take a nap. So serene. Maybe one day soon ;-)

I'm looking forward to seeing some other friends while here. Gabe & Jason's place is HUGE! 3-stories - prob about 2800-3200 sq feet - and the neighborhood, Morningside, is really adorable. Great to see and be in a new part of the city.

I see you

2009-05-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

Two days before my grandma's visit was to end, she had to be rushed to the ER for some internal bleeding. They performed emergency surgery to repair a hernia that ruptured through her intenstine wall. Needlesstosay, her stay has been extended.

I went yesterday to visit her in ICU and it was both hard and sweet. As I approached the ICU ward I walked by the rooms and looked in to see which one held her. I walked slowly and as I passed the doorways, I'd take a quick peek in to see where she was. I walked by them all and didn't see her, yet saw a host of extremely ill people connected to so much equipment it was spooky.

I figured they had moved her to the regular hospital ward. Thank god. I went up to the nurse to ask what room my grandma had been moved to. I asked the desk nurse, "Where can I find Ann D'Amore?" She hestitated as if the name didn't sounds familiar. She then said "Oh, Ann Damore, she's right there." And points to the room right behind me. I turned to see a small, feable woman with slicked-back gray hair, eyes closed, tubes down her throat and nose. Tubes coming out of her sides, and a machine forcing her to breath. It was my grandma. Just moments before, I had completely walked by, looked in, and dismissed her as someone I didn't know. That was hard.

Within 3 minutes of me being there, the Pulmonist came in and said they were taking her off the breathing tube, so they pulled all the tape away from her mouth and then started pulling the tube out. She coughed and gagged but seemed very relieved to have it out. Once they were done, they pointed at me, and asked her "Ann, do you know who that is?" And her eyes opened heavily and she coarsely mouthed, "That's my baby." That was sweet.

I stayed for about 2 hours but her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping for the most part, but every so often she would push her eyes open, with a very drugged and dazed look on her face. She looked so uncomfortable, in pain, and really out of it so I just stroked her arm, and rubbed her fingers and run my fingers on her forehead. At one point she opened her eyes, forced a teeeny smile, and mouthed "I love you." and that made me well up.

To see her so weak and near death was really a disturbing moment. She's always so spicy, firey, and sassy. She really looked like she was going to pass away and that was a terrible sight. The one thing we were totally happy about was this happened here - and not in NJ. She doesn't have anyone that can really care for her back home, so at least she can recover here at my parents' house and my mom can take care of her.

My parents showed up and we started talking about her recovery, and her insurance, and questioning whether or not her coverage is good enough for an emergency surgery and 3 days in ICU. While standing over her, we started talking about our healthcare compared to other countries that have socialized medicine and taking the perspective that other countries like Norway, Sweden, and Canada may actually do healthcare better. I look down and my grandma mouths to me "Fuck You." I started cracking up it was so good to see that sassiness coming through. She's a proud American and hates when people bad mouth America... so even in her foggy recovery, it was nice to know she could understand us - and still be a firecracker even in ICU.

I love you grandma.

There just aren't enough words

2009-05-11T12:37:00.001-07:00

What it lacks in technical merit...well really any merit at all... it makes up for in memorability

Almost a decade for butterflies

2009-05-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

First off, I apologize for the month-long delay in-between entries. To say things have been crazy since March 2nd is an understatement. Why March 2nd? Well that's the day my life changed. For the better. You see, from December of 1999 til March 1 of 2009 I've been going through life as a single gay man. A man who remained single because he was searching for something that really felt special. Frankly...I've been waiting to feel butterflies. I waited for almost a decade but it was all worth it.

I'm happy to announce to the WORLD that Matt and I are now in a relationship and I have a full-fledged butterfly aviary in my belly... and it feels AMAZING.

Matt and I have known each other for about 4.5 years, but after he and Scott parted ways, we started spending a great deal of time together and through that time we started getting closer and closer. And I started feeling those butterflies.

The scary thing, I have to admit, was that over the past few years, I started to wonder if I was EVER going to be in love again. I had to have a few serious conversations with myself and said, "Well Dave, it may just be like this for the rest of your life." And I started to listen to that voice more and more...and was saddened to think that I may never be in love again.

Now that Matt and I are together - I've never been happier. It's so great to feel these feelings again and to be silly, giddy, romantic, and loving. The unfortunate part is that Matt currently lives in LA and although he isn't too fond of it there, that's where his job is right now. He'd like to get back to SF as soon as he can, but we'll just do the long distance thing until the gods twitch their nose and make a few changes in our favor.

We've had the great fortune to spend 6 of the first 8 weekends of our relationship together - and I'm very excited about his visit next weekend to meet my family and some of my SJ friends. And our plan is to try and see each other at least every 3 weeks. I also talked to work about me working remotely for a week a month so I can spend a few longer trips with Matt in LA until the U-haul brings him home.

Our dynamic has been incredible. We have so much fun when we're together - and the way I see it, we're just a great match. We share a solid and close group of friends, which have been very supportive and encouraging.

The only way to describe how I feel is that I constantly wish I could smile bigger than I'm physically capable of.

He's my guy... I've got a guy... wow - it's been so long since I've been able to say that... I'm just "YAY" all over my face.

Sie saugen, Konservativen!

2009-03-31T16:29:00.001-07:00

This is an amazing example of how tolerance can be taught to children!

Suck it, conservatives!

I'm holding my breath until I get this

2009-03-16T22:46:00.001-07:00

IWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANT

iAm happy now

2009-03-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've been so annoyed that I could never blog from my iPhone but I just discovered how. Life is good.

It's all over their face

2009-03-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

Do you think you can tell the character of a person from the look on their face? I know it's a stretch to say that you can, but I kinda feel it's true to a certain degree.

I was on the SF Metro subway yesterday heading to the movies and while the train was going through the mountain from Castro to West Portal, I started to think about disasters. I know, right? Why would I think about disasters while in a tunnel under a mountain. Well, I did. I was thinking about movies like Poseidon Adventure, Towering Inferno, and the like. In those movies, there's always that group of people that didn't know each other but now depend on each other for their survival. They need to use their special skills and intellect to help the group survive.

So as we were heading through the mountain, I was thinking "What if there was an earthquake right now and the train got stuck in the tunnel?" I started to scan the train to look at all the people trying to find those special few that had a strong character on their face - something in their face that would give me a sign that they would be the ones I'd team up with to crawl - for days - to find daylight.

I looked to my left. I looked to my right. I looked at everyone's face to see what I could glean about their character and to identify whether or not they'd be the ones. After scanning the entire train, I came to one conclusion.

This train BETTER make it to West Portal.

Thou shall not dis....starting now

2009-02-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

As a follow-up to my last blog entry

Me: So, did you finally choose what to give up for Lent?
Judas: Yes, I decided that I'm not going to talk "shit" about people.
Me: Really?
Judas: Hey, I'm a girl. That's going to be hard.
Me: Well I'm glad you made a decision.
Judas: [Slams her palm over her mouth] Oh shit, yesterday I TOTALLY talked shit about someone. Damn!
Me: You should've just given up booze.
Judas: You're right. OK...BE NICE...starting...NOW!

The next 5 weeks are going to be fun!

excelLENT

2009-02-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

I just had a lunch with my friend...who, for this story, I'll call..."Judas". And she had the ash on her forehead cuz today is, well, Ash Wednesday. We started talking about Lent and what she was planning to sacrifice for the next 5 weeks. Here's our conversation:

Judas: I need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent.
Me: What are you considering?
Judas: I don't know, probably alcohol.
Me: And what is the criteria you're using to decide?
Judas: I'm supposed to give up something that means a great deal to me.
Me: [I held up her iPhone] What about this?
Judas: NO WAY! [She nabs it from me in disgust] I can't live without my phone for 5 weeks. How will people call me? How will my boyfriend text me? I have a child!
Me: Um, people have been calling others for over half-a-century using regular phones. You had boyfriends before texting. And people have been raising children forever before there were cell phones.
Judas: True. But I couldn't live without my phone for 5 weeks. What else could I give up?
Me: How about sex?
Judas: WHAT? No way. Geez, why are you asking me to give up things I can't live without?
Me: Um, isn't that the point of this exercise?
Judas: Is it? I'd give up sex before I gave up my iPhone.
Me: OK, how about giving up Facebook?
Judas: [Dead stare at me] Be serious. How would I stalk my boyfriend? What else you got?
Me: Really? You couldn't give up Facebook for 5 weeks?
Judas: [Dead stare #2]
Me: [As we pass a Starbucks I point at it] Give up that.
Judas: STARBUCKS?! Are you crazy?
Me: No, I mean give up coffee.
Judas: WHAT?! You don't want me to give that up, trust me.
Me: You could do it.
Judas: No way. Next?
Me: OK, then give up vanity. No make-up.
Judas: Can't. I have a wedding to go to this weekend.
Me: So?
Judas: [Dead stare #3]
Me: OK, what about giving up TV?
Judas: Then how will I kill time everynight? Why are you picking tough ones?
Me: It's so you learn about sacrifice. You're the one with the ash on your forehead, not me. So really, what about TV?
Judas: My TiVo would fill up and it wouldn't record all my shows. How would I get all caught up after Easter?
Me: You'd have 80 hours worth of shows.
Judas: [Dead stare #4]
Me: Really! Really? 80 hours wouldn't be enough?
Judas: Next?
Me: OK, then how about you give up TiVo.
Judas: But what if I missed American Idol?
Me: OK, then give up American Idol.
Judas: Uh-uh. That's the main reason why I can't give up TV!
Me: Really? You can't give up Idol?
Judas: Nope. Next idea?
Me: Well, there's really only one thing left to give up.
Judas: What's that?
Me: Catholicism...cuz you're a poser.
Judas: You're right. I'll just stay a sinner. Idol's on tonight AND tomorrow, right?

ExcelLENT!

You've been Tati-outed!

2009-02-17T15:18:00.000-08:00

Actual IM exchange... tooooo funny. I still think he's pulling my leg - god I hope he is.

Scotty: this is not to be communicated out, but i think i'm a fan of tatiana's
daveyfuzz: hahahahaha!!!!
Scotty: i think she's gonna be the one to shine this season
daveyfuzz: OMG, she needs a straight jacket...and we can no longer be friends hahahaha
Scotty: really...i think the producers are going to glom onto her and she's going to come out of the "shell" or whatever she's in right now
daveyfuzz: really? REALLY!? are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you....you bastard!
Scotty: she's totally going to learn what she needs to do to make it to the top, and nothing is going to stop her. I'm telling you, she's the one to beat...and she can totally sing...and she's pretty...and smart...and motivated
daveyfuzz: I'm TOTALLY cracking up over here. TOTALLY. I'm actually...LOL
Scotty: i'm just say'N. You heard it from me first
daveyfuzz: STOP IT! I'm gonna pee. I'm posting this on my blog. So... i guess I AM communicating it out! Sorry!
Scotty: then everyone will know who called it first. Saweet!
daveyfuzz: oh..consider yourself Tati-outed!
Scotty: i say she makes it into top 12
daveyfuzz: bye...forever! LOL

Pure effin' poetry

2009-02-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

These are from the Apple MacBook Wheel "predictive sentence technology" menu...

Which one is your favorite? Let me know. They're all so brilliant, I had a hard time picking mine.

The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinence.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor. (FAVE)
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favored by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed at the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed our absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned!
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.
The babbling baby baked brownies with the amiable crocodile.
The babbling baby basked in its mother’s affection.
The babbling baby bounced the ball at the babbling brook.

Nuf Said

2009-02-12T10:35:00.001-08:00

I got your stimulus package RIGHT HERE!

2009-02-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

The economy - moving in any direction - is driven by one thing - belief. If we "believe" things are going well, people hire and spend. When we "believe" it's weak, we stop spending. So... here's my idea. It's radical - but hey - I'm a maverick.

Use the billions to fund the GREATEST bullshit perception campaign in history. The government should stop the recovery plan to invest in low-impact infrastructure projets (roads et al) and just spend the money on bribes. Yes, bribes. Everyone needs to be lied to so they rapidly change their belief, and feel that everything has changed.

Pay the top analysts and economists to create fake reports. Bribe the largest corporations to publish fake earnings reports and create fake jobs that aren't needed. Pay off the news channels to report on all of the hot news that shows that the change is here. Present tense.

Sometimes, people just want to be told that it's already OK... not that it's going to be OK...but that it ALREADY is OK. We act in the present. So let's get this party started. In the long run, when people have jobs, home prices are up, and spending is surging... they won't feel so bad they were lied to.

There you go. My gift to the US. Your welcome.

Pooh Bear loves his honey

2009-02-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Last night I got together with some of my old high school friends. We were sitting around the table, eating and laughing, and I took a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that these people have been in my life - and contributed to the memories of my life - more so than any of my relatives, less my immediate family.

There are no last name to bind us. No blood to oblige us. But there we were, friends for over 25 years, and even though months pass in between visits, we pick up as if no time has passed. We know all each other's hot-buttons, quirks, and idiosyncracies. It wasn't our full clan at dinner, but there was 4 of us from the core group - a few husbands, a new boyfriend, and even one of the mothers.

These people are my family. Right? How could they not be? I've known Heather (aka Pho) since I was 11, I've known Kristen (aka Pach or Boobs) since I was 14, and Janene (aka TwoFoot or Janeina) since I was 16. OMG - I've known Pho for 31 years. That's INCREDIBLE. That's family.

People say blood is thicker than water - placing importance on family - which I do get. But if that's true, than what's thicker than blood? Similar to adoption, friends are even more special than our born family because they're the family we choose.

Honey. That's it! Honey is thicker than blood. If family is blood - then friendships are honey.

They're sweet. They add so much joy and happiness to our lives.

They're sticky. Good ones stay around. Great ones stay for life.

Now it makes sense why some people call me Pooh Bear. Cuz I got me a TON of honey... tons of friends that are my family...and I love it!

Heterosexual with complications

2009-02-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

Adj.
1. haggard - showing the wearing effects of overwork or care or suffering. Usage: "Ted Haggard appeared haggard in his attempt to convince America that he's not a cock-craving, cum-gurgling, sausage smuggler."

Last night when I got home, I caught the last 20 minutes of the Ted Haggard documentary, and then this morning, my TiVo had his interview with Oprah. I just got done watching it. Great...I was treated to a double-headed haggard dildo.

What a douche. And his wife too.

He was working his agenda hard, saying he's a "Heterosexual with complications"... that's how he identifies himself. No joke. Can you fucking believe that? Would the complication be that he GOT CAUGHT? Or that he can't convince his wife to strap it on?

Oprah's body language was actually pretty severe. She was clearly not buying his - or his wife's - big bag of bullshit. Oprah kept pushing him on the fact that "um, you crave the cock though, right?" Well she didn't put it like that, but close. This isn't over. Just wait. He'll cave in and seek out the meth and the mens soon enough. Oh, revenge is sweet.

I think the funniest thing in the interview, though, was when Oprah said "As a heterosexual, I don't know what it's like to have homosexual thoughts. But I have many gay friends." And all I could think of was, "Yeah, like your girlfriend Gayle."

The greatest birthday month anyone could ask for

2009-02-03T07:12:00.001-08:00

It used to always be a bust. Having your birthday two days after New Year's Eve. Everyone is pooped after the holidays, back to school, back to work. It's never really been a great time to have a birthday...but all that changed this year.

2009 will go down as the single best birthday celebratory year for me - ever. I've had more birthday parties, dinners, and drinks than I can count. It's truly been the most special year in that regards and I really enjoyed feeling what it was like to have a birthday month. I used to joke about people who would insist that the month of their birth entitled them to 30-days of celebration. But after experiencing a birthday month myself ...I'm sold!

It all started on Friday Jan 2nd, when Matt conconcted a truly clever plan to suprise me with a trip to the Roller Rink! Yes...skating! SO GOOD! Oh my god. I hadn't been roller skating since I was 12 or 13 so it was retrofabulous. He arranged for a big van to take 13 of us to the rink - we skated for about 1.5 hours and then we piled in the van to finish the party at Wilma and Andrew's place. It was truly the best birthday surprise I've EVER had. One of the best parts was doing the hokey pokey on skates. Matt wanted me to wear leg warmers and short-shorts but I was too nervous about looking crazy among all the twelve-year old girls. Everyone skated and did awesome! It was like riding a bike. It was so great. The most original and surprising birthdays I've ever been to - or been the guest of honor. Good one Matt! That one goes in the books and you've raised the bar for amazing birthday surprises. Thank you so much :-)

Then, the next eve, actually on my birthday, Wilma and Andrew threw the best and fanciest dinner party. Fine china. Champagne, wine, and martinis (of course). Great friends including Pandy, Matt, Andrew R, Myk, Monika, Jason, and Ashley. And a 4 course dinner of homecooked food they spent ALL day preparing. I have to share the menu cuz it was so delish. Course 1: Mushroom and onion soup. Course 2: Beef Burgenion with potatoes. Course 3: A cheese course with breads and nuts (SO DECADENT). Course 4: Bread pudding. Now, it was ALL amazing... but that bread pudding sent shivers through me. Foodgasms for days. We had an amazing evening and it really was such a great way to celebrate my actual birthday.

So to Matt, Wilma, and Andrew, thank you three for putting so much thought, effort, and love into making my birthday truly the best ever. I felt so special and loved.

The rest of the month seemed like it was an ongoing "Oh, let me get that...since I missed your birthday." or "Let's grab a birthday beer!" Let's not forget dinner with my family to celebrate me mid-month since I was out of town for my actual birthday. My mom even made me lasagna which she hasn't made for us since we were kids. I got to bring a whole pan of it home and got to continue the birthday love each night that week with yummy leftovers.

Then Don took me and Pandy out to an amazing evening to celebrate our collective birthdays. It was and eve of drinks then a nice dinner at "Orson" a hip newish place in SOMA - where the owner of the restaurant, Elizabeth Faulkner, actually came over to our table and started talking to us (she had to share her appreciation for the way I was eating her signature hamburger...God, what I must have looked like for her to be so compelled to approach us, hahaha). Then it was back out to the Pilsner to hang out with a bigger group of friends.

Then last week I went to a dinner and play with Ed, Vicki, and Louis, and he offered the dinner and play as my birthday gift! So sweet!

So I think I deconstructed the perfect formula for the optimal birthday month.
1. Birthday occurs at beginning of the month, kick starting the month as YOUR month. Sorry those of you with birthdays on the 20th and after.
2. Birthday occurs near a holiday, when people are busy, so they schedule alternate events later on
3. Spend it out of town with friends, so you can celebrate with friends - and then celebrate often later, when others try to "catch up with you" when you're back.
4. Tell everyone what a wonderful birthday month you're having so they feel compelled to participate in the love fest ;-) jk jk

In all seriousness, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends that wanted to spend some time with me and celebrate the day I screamed out my first "Heeeeeey Grrrrl!!"

I've got two words: compound fracture

2009-01-27T21:50:00.000-08:00

I started skiing when I was 10. My Dad took us skiing about 3 times per year, every year until I was 17. My Mom gave up on skiing after the very first trip, and then gave up on even coming with us to mountains after trip 4 - annoyed that all she did was cook and do laundry.

But my Dad was always there. He also started skiing the same time we did, so that means he was 34 when he started skiing. Now my Dad was a football player in high school and college. He plays tennis, played raquetball, rides a bike for miles, and overall was a pretty athletic guy. But I always remembered that as my brother and I learned to ski - we became really good - and by the time we were 17, we could ski on any runs. Double diamond? Bring it. But my Dad never really advanced at the same pace. He was always very cautious. Went down the slopes slowly, never with reckless abandon as my brother and I would. At 42, I know why. Things hurt.

As the years went by, he'd opt for half days, and due to an achy knee from a football injury, he'd sometimes sit out, and hang out on the deck of the lodge, watch the skiers and wait for us to finish. When we'd show up, he always had a big smile. We just assumed he was happy we were finally done and we could leave.

I continued to ski until I was 36. But next month, I'm heading off to Tahoe for Pandy's 30th birthday and there is absolutely no question in my mind that I will NOT be skiing. After 3 back surgeries, two partially torn rotator cuffs, and the fact that I live alone and couldn't care for myself in the event of an injury, I quickly arrived at the decision that I can't risk skiing - probably ever again. Even though I go to the gym more regularly now than I ever have in my life, I'm frankly scared of the inevitable trifecta - Ski. Fall. Break.

The beauty of youth is they never consider, expect, or think about that day when they realize they're old, frail, and mortal. Well, that day has arrived. It's shitty, but it's the truth. I guess it's time to settle into my new role as that middle-aged man, sitting on the deck of the lodge. And as he sees that kid zoom by, he remembers a day long-gone when that used to be him - a boy filled with reckless abandon, And that's what makes him smile.

I think he might have put a ring on it

2009-01-27T16:22:00.001-08:00

Are you all noticing the same thing I am????? Don't make me spell it OUT!

Nothing short of brilliant

2009-01-22T13:56:00.001-08:00

This is really one of the best ads I've seen in a long time. Not a single word of dialog. Not needed. Enjoy!

Also - do a search on Youtube for "durex behind the scenes" and see some funny outtakes for this ad - cute!

Praise and blasphemy

2009-01-20T22:53:00.000-08:00

So, really, Barak Obama has THE best speech writer in the history of speech writers. He never disappoints. His language is crisp, specific, and meaningful. His words are believable, understandable, and memorable. I look forward to his actions matching his words.

Now, this might seem blasphemous but I thought Aretha Franklin was HORRIBLE and I was actually a little embarassed for her. And that hat didn't help matters....at all.

God I love this place

2009-01-17T16:03:00.001-08:00

I'll never forget the first weekend I moved to San Francisco and I was strolling down the street to get a coffee and my friend, Matthew P, was driving up the other direction and he saw me and stopped in the street and we chatted right there in the street. Now coming from the burbs... you just didn't run into people while around town. While we were chatting I said to Matthew "Wow... this is SO great just running into you like this." Now Matthew had lived in NYC and SF for quite some time, and he giggled to himself and said "Oh honey...just wait!"

Well 5 years 4 months and 14 days later, that one experience still symbolizes the single best part of living in SF for me. And today it was punctuated again of how much I still love San Francisco.

This morning, Pandy and I met Gabe and Matt for a nice brunch at Luna. At brunch, we had a ton of laughs (thanks to Mr. Duke's crafty wit) and then Pandy and I decided to stroll around the Castro and digest before hitting the gym. When we got to the corner of Market and Castro, we ran into Jimmysan...hugs, kisses, and chit chat...then 10 seconds later, Jeb and Russ came across the street to our corner...hugs, kisses, and chit chat...then 1 minute later Dicky strolled down to the same corner...hugs, kisses, and chit chat...

We all spent a few minutes bullshitting and laughing. We all said our "gotta go's" and went on our ways. God, I really LOVE that about living in SF. The random encounters. The community feel. It happens mostly everytime I go out into the Castro - always run into someone I know or someone across the street I wave "hello" to.

I'm so glad I discovered how much living in an urban environment - and particulary in my little gay village - means to me. It's amazing. It's comforting. It's home.

Oh - and another great by-product of living here is seeing crazy stuff in the local shops. Get a load of this coffee table for sale... LOL... yes, that's a coffee table. Neow that's a lion after my own heart.

Ross is Boss

2009-01-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

It is so refreshing to see that Ross now has specialized departments to meet the unique needs of the gay community. Kudos to them for embracing my people.

Holy Tuna Taco, Batman!

2009-01-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

I'm in Seattle, laying in my hotel bed when THIS commercial comes on the TV. Even though the production quality, acting, and script are fucking atrocious, I have to say how awesome it was to see a TV commercial about fingering pussy.

http://www.vibratingtouch.com/?page=video

Who's on first?

2009-01-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

I just had the strangest phone call. I received a missed call on my cell. It was a 415 number but with no name, and they left no voice message. So I decide to call it back. This was my conversation:

A woman answers, "Hello..."
I say "Hello, this is Dave, I just missed a call from you. May I ask who this is?"
She says, "Well, hello Dave, this is Judy."
I'm like "Hello, Judy. How can I help you?"
She says, "Well, I'm not sure. This is Dave?"
"Yes, Dave DeFranco."
She says, "Is this Dave Solomon?"
I say, "No, Dave DeFranco."
She says "I don't know you."
I say, "Well you just called me."
She says, "No I didn't."
I said, "Well your number came up on my phone just now."
She blurts, "That's impossible. I don't make phone calls."
I say, "Well that's odd, I just got your number on my cell - just now."
She snaps, "I'm a VERY old woman. Why would I be calling anyone?!"
I said, "Well I don't know. That's why I'm calling...to find out."
She says, "This is ridiculous. I don't know how you got my number but I DON'T know who you are and I DON'T call people. I only RECEIVE calls! Thank you and goodbye!"
CLICK

Sunday Funny Sunday

2009-01-11T20:43:00.001-08:00

So this morning I was sitting at Starbuck's waiting for Pandy to show up... and there was a guy there with a cockatoo on his shoulder. The bird was crawling around his owner's arm, bobbing his head back and forth.

Then in classic bird voice the bird said "Hello..."

Then it said, "How are you?"

I looked over and smiled at the owner, entertained by the bird's chit chat.

Then the bird said, "Oh no, you shouldn't smoke. It will aggravate your asthma."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I did a double-take and then noticed that two people over to my left, there was an elderly Japanese woman talking on her cell phone - it was her the whole time...she sounded JUST like that god damn bird. Then the owner of the bird walked the cockatoo over to the curb...the bird lifted it's tail feather and shot a stream of bird shit right into the street. The owner kissed the bird on the beak and said "Good poopies!" I totally started laughing outloud to myself. And then I was annoyed that he let his bird shit in the street like that without picking it up. LOL...

Then tonight, at my parents' house, the whole family was playing a card game that is similar to scrabble. You get cards with letters on them and you have to assemble the cards to make words.

Well, it was my turn and in my hand were the letters Q U E F R. My 8-yr old niece looks over my shoulder to peek at my cards to help me form a word. She quickly blurts out "QUEEF!"... "QUEEF!"..."Uncle Dave...QUEEF!"

Well I start laughing my ass off, my sister-in-law starts laughing...then my Dad starts laughing...to which my Mom says "Why is that funny? What's a queef?"

So then me and my sister-in-law start laughing even harder. My niece continues to blurt out the word "QUEEF." I can't correct her that I actually don't have the letters to spell it - cuz I'm laughing so hard by now that I'm completely inaudible. My dad leans over and whispers the definition in my Mom's ear. She giggled quickly and then said "Alright, let's play the game!" The funny part is, I was so curious as to how my dad defined that to my Mom... did he get it right? Did he say "It's a pussy fart"? I'm dying to know but I could never ask him.

So I had 2 good laughs today. Thanks, Sunday!

Earned my BearScouts Hiking Badge

2009-01-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

It was an amazing day today in San Francisco. Not a cloud in the sky. Sunny. 65. What a great day for a hike. Today's group, about 35 of us, went up to the Mt. Tam area and hiked the Dipsea-Steep Ravine trail. It was a perfect day for a hike!

But it didn't start off that great. When we got to the parking lot, there was another big group of people (mix of adults and kids) getting ready outside their cars. We didn't think much of it until we saw this on the window of their giant van.

Needless to say, it caused quite a small commotion for our group. We kept waiting until they all left because we wanted to all surround their van and take a picture of a pack of homos surrounding it. But when they finally left, turned out someone in our group was NONE too happy about it and actually ripped the sticker off their van and threw it on the ground.

I can't say I agreed with that, at all. I don't agree with the opposition, but this is America and everyone has the right to express it. But anyway - we got passed it and headed off for our hike. Mr. Duke and I disagreed on this point. He believed it was a fine, acceptable thing to rip their sticker off their car. I didn't and felt it just enlists violence and hatred. He said "they deserve whatever they get." I respect his opinion but don't agree. We validated each other's feelings and then moved on to other topics...like boys....

The group was really big but we managed to keep together, for the most part. I met a bunch of new people and also had a big group of good friends as well, so it was the perfect mix.

The odd part was that any time we passed other people, they would always ask "What group are you with?" Jimmer quickly replied, "BearScouts SF" so I think the group should now be called that. As we passed this one gentleman, he said, "Look at this group of real men!" to which Jimmer then threw his hands frilly in the air and shrieked out "OOOH...MUD!" LOL... awesome.

Enjoy the pics!

iReally can't believe it

2008-12-30T12:14:00.000-08:00

So... I lost my new iPhone on Friday night. Yes. Lost. I was at Marcello's having a slice and it must have slipped out of my hoodie pocket. It wasn't more than 5 minutes after I lost it that I realized it and scurried back to Marcello's. No luck. Gone.

So I started sending text messages to my iPhone hoping that someone would read it and return it. It is Xmas, right? Season of good will? Kindness to strangers?

So at 8am the next day, no phone calls so I was at Best Buy purchasing my THIRD iPhone. Ugh. We were driving to Palm Springs and I didn't want to be away without a phone. So I dropped another $450 (had to get the $30 rubber case).

Well, at about 11am, while driving down Highway 5, Wilma's phone rings and it's someone from Marcello's Pizza. My iPhone was returned. How AWESOME. So now I'm off to Best Buy to return the new one. I have to pay a $40 restocking fee, but hey...I'll just consider it a rental fee for using this new iPhone for 3 days.

Lesson for everyone... there still ARE nice people out there. Pay it forward. Do something nice for someone. Happy Holidays.

Pimpin' it Sinatra-style in the desert

2008-12-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

With our office shutdown for the week, I headed south for the break to hang with my peeps in LA. Wilma and Andrew were up from LA in the Bay Area for the holidays and they were sweet enough to drive with me back to SoCal. But we had to make a little detour first, in Palm Springs.

Our dear friend, Kev Stern (aka Stella) was turning 50 and his partner threw him a surprise party. So we figured it would be great to swing by Palm Springs on our way to LA. So glad we did. We ended up staying at the Riviera Resort. It has recently gone through a 2-year renovation and just reopened in October. It's GORGINA. The decor is retro-fabulous. Take a look at the lobby! Wilma and I checked in but our room wasn't ready so they gave us a complimentary martini in the lobby while we waited. We were home ;-) We got dressed up and headed out for a nice steak dinner before joining the big surprise. After messing up a big Rib-Eye and another martini, we headed over to Stella's.

The plan was for us all to gather out in front of his house. Stella and others were inside the house having dinner. His sisters brought him to the back of the house to distract him. We all then piled into the house so when he came back down the hallway - there we all were! SURPRISE! He certainly was.

After a few hours at the party, Wilma and I started to fade. We'd driven all day, and started to peter out. So we headed back to the Riviera. On our way towards the room, we ran into a friend from SF so we stopped and chatted for a while. Then, as we walked towards our room, we passed the hotel bar. We decided to pop in just to see the decor. And as we waltz in, we ran into our good friends, Jason and Michael. Such a small world. They were having a drink with other friends they happen to run into while window-shopping earlier that day. So we sat and had a martini with them. Notice a pattern?

After sleeping in one of THE most comfortable beds ever crafted by man, we took off to meet more dear friends, Todd and Tracy, who were in town dog-sitting for a friend on vacation. but before we left the room, we decided to have some fun. The bathroom has this totally glamorous bathtub, so I decided to pretend to be Joan Crawford and be luxurious.

A Merry Day

2008-12-26T07:53:00.001-08:00

Christmas Day actually turned out pretty fun. Once my brother came with his family, we got down to business - opening gifts - and that started off the day because we got to watch my nieces open presents. That's always fun.

I gave my nieces two gifts - the first one was tickets to see "Walking with Dinosaurs - The Live Experience" which I was all excited about. The second gift was giving them my old iPod - you know - the big white one with the classic Apple font on grey screen. They FREAKED over getting the used iPod! LOL. Nice - next year I'm scrounging around my house for used kithcen appliances to give them.

The funniest part of the gift-giving ceremony was that my brother/sister-in-law (Tom/Aurea) and I never discussed previously what we were each going to get my parents for Christmas... in fact, this was the first year we didn't shared lists. Well - it happened. We both got my parents the EXACT SAME THING, a digital picture frame. Their gifts turned out a bit better because they actually loaded the frame with 300 pictures of my nieces from birth to now. But turns out they want to keep both, and they'll now be able to erect shrines to my nieces in various locations of the house.

My parents were very generous this year. I received a new 16G iPod Nano (gunmetal grey - so sexy), sports-grade headphones, and a complete car detailing certificate. Nice. So after we were all done opening gifts, we retired to the family room and broke out Guitar Hero 3 and American Idol Karaoke. No...not mine - my nieces'. I didn't know they were gonna bring it - or I would've brought another microphone and guitar... they only have one of each. Amateurs.

My Dad has a super fancy home entertainment system - yet - because it's so complicated, we couldn't get the microphone to calibrate with the game so when you sang, there was a delay until your voice came out of the speakers. So annoying. So we switched to GH3. And we all took turns. Everyone. We even made my Mom try. She HATES video games and has very poor hand-eye coordination. We used to make her try and play our first generation Atari game... you remember... that super complicated joystick and red button ;-) well she couldn't handle that when she was young. And now we were throwing her in the fire at 63 to play Guitar Hero! LOL...

Then... I was mulling around the kitchen for something to drink. And there he was. My dreams had come true. I had finally found HIM. The one. He was big and strapping. Thick neck, big barrell chest. Ahh...it was the Christmas gift I hadn't realized I wanted so bad. Gordon. Ah, Gordon. Ok - so not the best vodka...but it was the ONLY vodka in the house. I ran over to Aurea and whispered in her ear, "Will you have a cocktail if I make it?" She grins wide, and nods her head. So I run back and find a few fresh cans of Club Soda, and a can of Kerns Apricot Nectar, and 2 big red plastic party cups...I had all I needed.

Well, as I was pouring, I realized that this marked the FIRST time in my life that I'd made a cocktail in my parents' house for me to drink. True story. My family is NOT a big drinking family. A bottle of booze will last a lifetime in their house. We do drink wine with dinner....and an occasional beer here or there. But NEVER hard liquor. But as I finished my third large-scale, party-tumbler cocktail I had discovered my new Christmas tradition. My sister-n-law and I kept looking at each and mouthing the words "Ooooh, that's good!" or "Mmmmm, smooooth!" LOL. We kept playing GH3 for a while. I jammed on it with a buzz and actually did awesome. And my brother, being a guitar player, was able to kick out some EXPERT level playing. Pretty impressive.

My friend Marilyn showed up, a friend of mine for about 16 years, whose been coming to my family's house for Xmas soon after we met. We did another small gift exchange with her and then we all headed into the dining for an amazing meal. My Mom sure knows how to put out a nice dinner. Giant pork chops, mashed potatoes, sausage stuffing, stuffed mushrooms, broccoli casserole, and homemade applesauce. The meal was so filling that it completely erased my buzz. I turned to red wine with the meal but I could never recapture my lovely holiday glow.

We all collapsed in the living room to digest. To kill the time, we were playing this Christmas Trivia game - similar in design to Trivial Pursuit, but all about Xmas. I swear, on every card, there was a question about this Christmas movie with Bob Hope called "The Lemon Drop Kid". It became the joke of the game - when another question would come up - we'd just give "the look" and everyone would say together "THE LEMON DROP KID!" lol...

We dragged our fat asses back to the dining room table for desert. Aurea makes an amazing Chocolate Kahlua Cake that makes you wanna drop jiz right there at the table. So good. So I stuffed a piece of that in my mouth with some coffee. Then I just beached myself on the living room floor next to my 13-yr old niece to talk about her and her boyfriend, Ian. Turns out Ian got her a few things for Christmas but she hasn't given him a gift yet. So we brainstormed good gifts that, as she put it, "Personal enough but don't send the wrong the message." LOL!! So funny to hear her talk like that - but I'm really excited that she's comfortable enough with me to share. We had a cute moment.

Anyway - all in all - it was a really great day. I know I was a bit of a poubty-puss in my Xmas Eve blog entry. But I still think I'd rather be with friends on Xmas Eve and family on Xmas. I think it could just be the best of both worlds.

Breaking a Sweat for Baby Jesus

2008-12-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

So first off - Merry Christmas! The morning has been pretty mellow, coffee and breakfast, wrapping up last minute gifts, watching "Miracle on 34th Street" and helping my Mom get the house ready for dinner.

But as I walked down the hallway to take my Christmas shower - the clip below shows the scene of what I ran into...my Dad doing his "jazzercise" video tape and using the hallway as his running track. My grandma, the ballbuster, is making fun of him by running behind him... And I LOVE that my Dad is wearing a sweatband around his head...as if he's actually going to break a sweat shuffling down the hallway. Classic!

Oh - and on a funny side note, a TV commercial came on for a fancy new sports bra and my grandma says "I think it's disgraceful how they show women in bras on television today!" I said, "Well that's kinda prudish for someone with a giant porno collection." To which she replied, without missing a beat, "That's private! And stay out of my drawers!" HAHAHAHA luv it...

Oy to the World

2008-12-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

So here it is. Christmas Eve. It's just as it's been for quite some time now. At my parents', eating our traditional anchovy pasta dinner (fish only on Xmas Eve) and then it's a movie marathon watching "It's a Wonderful Life", "The Bell's of St. Mary's", and "A Christmas Carol".

I'm not as much in the Christmas spirit this year as I usually am, but I was hoping that a touch of tradition - as lame and trivial as it is - would feel good. It actually is making me sadder. Because it's so familiar and so routine, it's actually boring and there's nothing to say/react to. We're all being drones watching this movie, we ate dinner quickly, not much conversation, and the little convo we did have was sadly about people I don't know. My mother is compelled to share stories of people in their parish that I've never met. They are sad, dreary stories always involving some illness, death, or tragedy. My mom works for her church and I swear it sounds SO depressing all the time.

I think I've come to realize that I don't think I'm really getting what I need from my family and I really do prefer the company of my friends. I think because my parents really don't "engage" me in my life as a gay man - never ask me questions about my personal life "Are you seeing anyone?" "Is there anyone special in your life?", or "Gone on any dates lately?" Nothing. So I come here and it seems to be just more of the same. More of nothing.

I once was telling my friends that I believe we actually build the family that we need - in the moment of our lives when we need them. And right now, my friends are my family and the support group - the close nest of smiles and hearts - that I need today way more than my biological family. I hear people always say "Oh, it was sooo great to be with my family." I have to say I haven't felt that in a long time. I usually feel "Oh, it was sooo great to be with my friends."

It sounds so mean and selfish to say it outloud - to actually put that into print. But whether I write it or not - it doesn't make it any less true. During this holiday season - there is nowhere more I'd rather be than in my house, filled with my friends, laughing aloud and being merry. That is the Xmas Eve that I wish for. That is the holiday that I'd like experience. That is the tradition that I'd like to look forward to each and every year. But the world has built-in the requirement that we must/should be with our biological families during these times.

The funny part is - I REALLY love Christmas. I love the lights. The decorations. The music. The tree. The clay-mation shows from the 70s. Maybe... just maybe... next year I'll throw a Christmas Eve party of my own. I like that idea. I'm smiling now thinking about that. Yay! :-)

Unfortunate

2008-12-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

Probably not the best message for a pharmacy to convey... ya think?

It's coursing through my veins! Get it OUT!

2008-12-18T17:45:00.001-08:00

Here's a glimpse of the DNA that I have running through me. I was hanging out at my parent's house while my Grandma is visiting for Xmas...and I was using the main hall bathroom to get dressed. My Grandma is currently using this bathroom during her stay.

Take a look at the anal retentiveness that consumes the members of my family. So paranoid NOT to make any mess or leave any trace, my Grandma lines the drawer with a piece of aluminum foil to rest her plastic bottles on... What in GOD's name could possibly mess up the drawer when everything is sealed in bottles. Oh - and notice how she stores her toothpaste tube IN the original box. No, that isn't a brand new tube...her used tube is safe and sound inside its protective cardboard home. Doesn't everybody do that? LOL. Oh - and note the symmetry too. You should see her pantry, linen closet, and refrigerator at home - everything is lined up and facing front. Ask Gabe Zichermann - he's witnessed it - and he may have even taken a picture inside her refrigerator...

You'd think she was a military woman. Nope! Just New Jersey Italian. Gotta luv her!

The cat's out of the fag

2008-12-15T22:40:00.001-08:00

Well... she knows. My 13-yr old niece now knows that her Uncle Dave is a big mo. So last night we were at my parents' house for my brother's birthday dinner, and after we were done eating, and clearing the table, it happened to just be me, my brother, and my sister-in-law in the dining room and my sis says, "Oh, your niece asked me if you were doing 'Day Without a Gay'?"

My jaw dropped.

She looked at me funny and said, "Oh, wait, did we forgot to tell you that we told her you're gay?"

Um...yeah...minor detail ya left out. LOL.

Turns out during a long wait for a Mocha Frapuccino at Starbucks, my brother was bored, looked over at my niece and said "By the way, you know how you're always asking why Uncle Dave doesn't have a wife? It's cuz he's gay."

And what was her response? "Oh, that makes sense."

I love it. So turns out she's totally cool with it. I didn't get a chance to acknowledge to her that I know that she knows. But I'll get a chance to do it soon. I'm just glad she was really mature about it and has no problem. I can't wait to start dishing on boys with her... problem is...she is too mature for me now. I mean, she's 13, and most gay men are more like 12-yr old girls. I hope she'll hang out with me at recess still.

They decided to hold off on telling my 8-yr old niece for a while. Turns out the 13-yr old doesn't think the young one can "handle" it. Perfect!

Here's a pic from Saturday. They were both in a community production of the Nutcracker. They did awesome. Of course. So weird to see them wearing makeup. They grow up so fast.

Cold but so worth it

2008-12-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

A nice group of guys went on a hike today up to Caslte Rock State Park along Skyline Drive way above Los Gatos. We all met up at the park at around 10am and it was COLD - like 40 degrees. We were all bundled up and with anticipation of a big storm coming in, we were expecting to get soaked.

The hike was about 3 miles long - and it took us about 3 hours. Although the fog killed any chances of scenic views, it really created a cool mystical mood all to itself. The air was misty and it drizzled a little bit but all in all we made it through the hike unscathed from real rain or mud.

Some of the rock formations at Castle Rock were pretty amazing - creating a natural "honeycomb" or swiss cheese effect. The trees were covered with moss which also really was really pretty.
One of the neatest things was coming upon this tree below. With the fog and the mist - this tree had all the makings of Sleepy Hollow or the Womping Willow of Hogwarts. I wish I could've gotten the whole tree in my camera but this is as good as I could get. Still impressive.

We rewarded our efforts afterwards with a burger feast at Kirk's Steakburger. Damn that was one great hamburger! We sat and chatted for about an hour after we ate - talking geek stuff about the first computers back in the 70s, Dungeons and Dragons, how electricity works (transisters, capacitors, and transformers) and other techno stuff. I couldn't contribute to any of it but it was sure interesting listening to people who do. All in all - great way to finish the weekend.

This kinda thing gives me a RAGING hard on!

2008-12-13T16:50:00.001-08:00

Holy shit! This is so god-damn exciting I can barely stand it... BUILD IT, BUILD IT, BUILD IT!!!

Traveled down the road and back again...

2008-12-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

Saw the Drag Golden Girls show last night - it was really great. There was a group of 14 of us - and we decided to all dine at the fancy food court at the San Francisco Centre - which is always yummy. We then trekked to James' new 2-story luxo bachelor condo for a quick cocktail before taking over a few rows of the theater with our group.

We then, in the rain, waltzed over to Marlena's (Gee, Thanks, Mr. Duke) in Hayes Valley. What a WEIRD bar. It was theme night "Trailer-trash Christmas" so people were dressed in pajamas and other mid-west inspired garb. There was a bad drag show going on and it was SO crowded. The entire place was decorated in, not joking, like 2,000 Santa Claus dolls and figurines. This picture - although just looks like a mess of stuff is actually just one showcase fist-packed with Santa Clauses. Look closely. Now multiply that by EVERY SQUARE INCH of the bar. Hi, Creepy.

So Andy, Shannon, Chad, and I took off for the Castro. But when we got to Chad's car, his passenger window had been smashed in - just like my car a few weeks ago - and his camera bag filled with his iPod, GPS, checkbook, etc. was stolen. Poor guy. We sent him off to get his car home and out of the rain and the 3 of us went to the Castro for one beer - and then home. Got word from Chad today that his window has been replaced so that's great - but still feel bad that so much stuff was stolen.

Sniffle

2008-12-08T20:44:00.001-08:00

I'm blowing the lid on the underground world of male behavior in public bathrooms. I've been in them enough to know that it's not a coincidence. It's a fact. And I'm gonna expose it. Here... in a public forum. It's not Earth-shattering... it's just funny.

Men who are sitting in a stall in a public bathroom will "sniffle" when another man walks into the bathroom as if to say "hey buddy, i'm in here. Don't try to come into this stall AND don't do anything weird cuz you think you're alone...cuz you're NOT."

It's true. I stumbled upon this little ditty a long time ago. And I've been collecting data points EVERY time I enter a bathroom and there's a sole soul in the john.

I think it's fascinating. It's primordial. And it's hilarious. Along with all of the other unspoken law that occurs in the boy's room - this one isn't something that's been discussed. Well, I've never heard guys talk about it.

Give it a try. Listen for the sniff. It's so male...and it's so funny.

Art imitating life... or is it the other way around?

2008-11-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

I was driving behind a Muni bus on my way to work... and on the back of the bus was a billboard with a cartoon lady on it. As I looked at it - it looked EXACTLY like Cristi - the lady that sits next to me at work. I snapped a shot of it and showed it to her and everyone else in the office - and they all agreed. I then forced her to pose for this picture so I could do a side-by-side comparison. I mean - I know you all don't know Cristi - but the similarity is amazing. I think she's moonlighting as a cartoon model and doesn't want to admit it.

Episode 3: Open Myk "Where's the stripper pole?"

2008-11-20T20:25:00.001-08:00

We got back to the house and Myk was STILL going... and going... he's like the Energizer Bunny... that drinks Rum and Coke.

Episode 2: Open Myk "What in Gay Hell?"

2008-11-20T18:16:00.001-08:00

Myk soon gets cut off at the bar for being too drunk. His commentary is awesome! Turns out they don't serve drunk minks at the bear bar.

Episode 1: Open Myk "Oh these bangs!"

2008-11-20T18:14:00.001-08:00

I know many of you don't know who Myk is but he's one crazy mother fucker than can party like nobody's business. This is just before we headed out to Bearracuda... just being sassy. Just wait for episode 2 and 3...

Fierce Part Deux

2008-11-20T15:05:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6ExgUW6ak8

OMG - From YouTube to the BoobTube at warp speed. The little crystal boy who danced to Beyonce has just appeared live on the Bonnie Hunt Show. Amazing.

Super bonus points for doing something new

2008-11-19T07:48:00.001-08:00

Last night, Andy asked me to go see a singer, Jay Brannan, that I'd never heard of at a club I've never been to. Two new things in one night! The best part was that I really liked Jay a great deal. Great live singer. A bit emo but I really appreciated every song. So much so that I bought the CD and listened to it the entire way to work. He's like the gay lovechild from the Jason Mraz/James Taylor/Ani DiFranco triad.

The venue, Bottom of the Hill (Potrero), was a real cool space as well. Ran into a handful of "the gay" that we knew and hung out with them. Although I received 100 points for seeing someone I've never heard of, and an additional 50 points for leaving The Castro... I incurred at 25 point demerit for only talking to people I already knew. Baby steps.

Fierce

2008-11-19T07:37:00.001-08:00

This kid is one stomach flu away from his ideal weight - amazing what one can do these days with crystal and a DVR. Whosaiditisaidit!

"This house is clean..."

2008-11-13T12:53:00.000-08:00

Remember that line from the creepy little lady (Tangina) in Poltergeist? Well, coming off of my week of bad luck for technology where all of my significant devices were either stolen or damaged (iPhone, iPod, laptop), I have followed her poignant command and I "went into the light...there is peace and serenity in the light." Did she mean the bright light of a new 3G iPhone booting up? Or the shine and sparkle of the brand new HP laptop that just showed up today? I think she did... cuz these new babies have put a super big smile on my face.

Oh, and get this! My new laptop has a fingerprint sensor built-in so any place that has a username/password, I can assign it to my fingerprint and simply swipe my finger on the sensor and it logs me in... SO FUCKING JAMES BOND... I love it. Is that the coolest thing or what? I guess now my only fear will be with my recent luck, someone will steal my right index finger.

And to top things off, the weekend looks to be amazing. A huge SoCal posse, sans Chant :-(, are heading up tomorrow for Andrew's 40th birthday. Nine people from SoCal (Wilma, Andrew, Jason, Ashley, Myk, Andrew, Monika, Roger, and Darrin) are trekking up for a weekend of fun. I LOVE it...Can you say "Slumber party"? And Gabe will be here from NYC... so it's gonna be just like Festivus in SF. It's full steam ahead for good luck, friends, and fun.

So now that my "house is clean"... I better hurry home and clean my house before the guests arrive!

iCan't believe it...now my iPod has been stolen

2008-11-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

Friday night I swung by Will B and Brian G's place for their house "cooling" party since they are moving to NYC soon. I was only there for 1 hour when Mikey F calls me and says "Um, Davey, your car was broken into."

Upon approach, all you see is a sea of shattered glass on in the gutter - and a complete missing passenger window. When I rummaged through the mess of shatter glass all over the seat and floor, I found that they had stolen my iPod Nano that was hidden in a dashboard compartment... along with two pairs of headphones, and my iPod/FM converter. THE BASTARDS. One week after having my iPhone stolen... now my iPod was gone. Oh - and last week my 5-year old laptop died and I had to buy a new one on Tuesday.

So basically this past week has been an AWFUL week for Davey and his toys. I really wasn't prepared to have to replace all of these devices in one week - and just before the holidays. I'm actually just gonna use my iPhone as my iPod for a while until I decide whether or not to buy a used Nano from craigslist - or maybe as for a new one for Xmas... my parents are always anxious for me to give them a Xmas list... so here they go!

Anyway, I got the window replaced on Saturday morning and then went to the movies with Andy. Coming out of the movie I somehow lost the parking ticket so I had to pay $30 to park for 2 hours. The gods are not thrilled with me, I guess. Ugh! I hope my string of bad luck is over.

A rare sighting... my desk clean

2008-11-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

My employer, Pearson & Co., is celebrating its 20 year anniversary today. We're throwing a party at our office for about 50 clients, vendors, freelancers, ex-employees...and us. So, needless to say, we had to clean up our workspaces. Well - my workspace is NEVER clean. Which is weird because my home is usually quite spotless - but for some reason, my desk and surrounding workspace is a complete disaster of paper et al. I'm sure there is a therapy-related analysis that accompanies this dichotomy... we'll save that for another blog entry.

So anyway - I thought I'd share a few pics of where I work... now that it's clean and presentable for pictures.

"A CA/NY Kinda Shame" by Gabe Zichermann

2008-11-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

If you're on facebook, check out this posting from my friend Gabe. If you're not - read on. Strong words. Strong feelings. That's my Gabe. Atta boy!

A CA/NY Kinda Shame
by Gabe Zichermann

Shame.

It’s a funny word, and one that’s been a theme in my life – and the lives of so many gays and lesbians.

This past week, I spent the majority of my (non-sick-as-a-dog) time volunteering for the no on prop 8 campaign. I felt strongly enough that for weeks I’d planned to come to LA to fight against this ridiculous, unfair and absurdist amendment – even though I’m super busy running a company. More often than not, I heard “you need to go to the Central Valley, that’s where they need reeducation most.”

And I’d reply, each time: “This election is not about getting the fundies to change their minds, it’s about getting our supporters out in sufficient numbers to make a difference.” It turns out, the No on Prop 8 folks had the same conceit.

When I got to LA, I met the earnest and committed volunteers who were driving the Prop 8 campaign. I thought it was encouraging to see the GLBT center in WeHo full of people looking to volunteer on election day. And, with the prospect of a landslide victory for Obama, I believed that momentum was with us.

My friend Darren and I got assigned to a polling place in Eagle Rock, and I spent the day fighting back the flu (thanks, Gatorade!) and fielding text queries from my friends on the East Coast: “how’s it looking?” And good it certainly did look.One after another, heterosexuals came streaming through the polls, most of them telling us that we had their support. Many were even playfully dismissive, making fun of the idea that they’d vote any other way. And even the less-than-a-handful of crazy fundies hardly made a dent in our mood – upbeat and excited though it was.

But once I made it home, and interspersed my Obama celebration with detailed views of the early reporting on Prop 8, I feared we were going to lose. In county after county, the gays and their allies were lazy. Instead of seeing the real threat at their doorstep, they somehow managed to get out of even coming to the polls.

You can clearly see it in the vote breakdown by county – and in the raw numbers. The total votes against prop 8 *roughly* correspond to the total number of gays in California. Now tell me: did no straight folks vote for us? Nope. That’s not what happened at all. I personally met at least 300 straight people that voted to support us, and count among my friends hundreds of others who I know spent days and weeks agonizing over how to defeat Prop 8, often at political risk to themselves. My friend David, for example, using his (very broadly read) professional blog to make a point about the need to crush prop 8 – even though he’s straight.

And while I agree that all minorities that voted for Prop 8 should be ashamed of denying gays their basic rights, the majority of the blame for this lies with us – the gays – and the other millions of complacent Californian liberals that couldn’t get off their asses to vote yesterday.

What’s wrong with you people? Seriously? Is this the California laid-back attitude that I used to love (but am now starting to loathe) rearing its ugly head? How could anyone (let alone 50%+ of SF voters) fail to grasp the gravitas of this election? How did you manage to ignore the fact that your basic rights are at stake?

I, for one, am glad to be going back to New York right now. I used to think of myself as a Californian, but there’s no way around this conclusion: there’s something awful about the Golden State these days, friends. I’m not sure if I’m just growing up, or if something really has changed. Find Myself Here? Nah, I think I’d rather not.

Either way, to all of you who didn’t make it out yesterday while I stood outside alternately freezing and sweating my way through the campaign: shame on you.

On second thought…Fuck You.

How New York of me.

So proud I can't stand it

2008-11-04T16:48:00.000-08:00

Quick bragging rights about to be exerted. This poem was written by my 12-year old niece. I think it's pretty amazing - not just for a 12-year old, but for anyone. Maybe she'll end up being the writer in the family.

Where I'm From

I am from books,
From dusty shelves.
I am from sand in the sandbox.
Brown and wet, usually formed
Into sand pies.
I am from the old
Sandalwood tree whose branches
Held me while I read.

I am from chocolate and guitars.
From Aurea and Tom.
I'm from the musicians
And the readers.
From 'eat your vegetables'
To 'Jesus, Maria, Joseph!'
I'm from Eagles' Wings,
And a satin communion gown.

I'm from my grandmas' branches,
Pastina and rice with bacon.
From my great grandma's Christmas visits,
To my aunt's magnificent drawings.
On the dusty top shelf where dozens of albums,
Every page filled with pictures.
Old and recent.
A memory, happy or sad, captured on paper.
I am like one flower in an entire meadow full of flowers.
All around me are my family.
Some still a bud.
Some in bloom.
Some starting to wither and droop.

Still sassy at 83

2008-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

I called my Grandma this morning on the way to work. When I told her about Halloween and that I was dressed up as a 70s pornostar/pimp her quick reply was "Oh, too bad I wasn't there, I could've been the hooker!" Luv it!

Then she tells me that in her senior building, everyone takes turn being the floor captain to make sure everyone is still alive. Well, recently the neighbor man's meals-on-wheels food was sitting out in the hallway too long so my Grandma went in and found the man dead. Her response was "And you know what...it's a myth. He didn't have a hard-on."

I luv her! If you want to learn more about my Grandma, reference this earlier blog posting. She's just too much!

I may be a size queen...but seriously?

2008-11-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

It is rare that I have bad or disappointing food in SF. Even the holes-in-the-wall usually deliver an above-average food experience. Last night I had what was possibly the most disappointing meal I've had in a long long time in SF.

Boom and I were craving Buffalo Wings. We thought to ourselves "Ooooh, there's that place on Valencia called 'Newyorker's Buffalo Wings' so lets go there and mess up a big basket of em!"

All day I was looking forward to that big basket of wings... finger-licking good! We arrive at 8pm and the place is literally empty. And I mean empty. We were THE only patrons. Red flag #1.

We approach the counter to order to find a 15 yr old kid there to take our order. We look at the menu and it's basically a burger place... that sells wings. They had burgers, gyros, greek salad, chicken sandwiches... oh...and wings. On the wings menu, one would expect a place called "Newyorker's Buffalo Wings" to have a variety of flavors, styles, and options. Nope. Red flag #2. The only choice you have is how many (8, 13, 26, or 30), spicy or mild, and blue cheese or ranch. That's it.

We decided to split an order of 13 (and btw... 13? what's up with that? What number is more difficult to share among a group than a prime number?) Red flag #3. I also order a gyro.
Not sure why... but I did. Let it go.

The entire time we waited, not another single person walked in. Oh - and while waiting, all the staff sans the cook were sitting out in the dining room watching The Simpsons on the big screen TV. Red flag #4.

And while waiting... other staff members came into the restaurant with bags of food from somewhere else. OK, if they don't even want to eat there... Red flag #5

The food arrives - and what we stare down at was the most disappointing basket of wings EVER to be placed before us. I held hopes that these wings...again the name of the fucking restaurant... would be big and juicy and delicious. They were the smallest, puniest, meatlessest wings I've ever seen. Take a look. They were so small I had to capture because I don't think you can really appreciate how shitty these were. Now... I've been called a size queen but PUH-LEASE... would these satisfy you? Red flag 1 to many

Oh, and my gyro was basically a pita filled with onions, one slice of gyro meat, and 4 cups of yogurt sauce.

I normally don't do reviews on Yelp, City Search, or other...but I have made it my personal mission to drive this restaurant out of business - FAST. They underwhelmed the wrong size queen...I mean... patron...

DON'T EVER EAT AT NEWYORKER'S BUFFALO WINGS

It must have crawled all the way home

2008-11-02T12:36:00.001-08:00

Look what I found at my doorstep this fine Sunday morning. Keep in mind I lost it on Friday night. It was tore up and covered in grime... just like I was when I lost it ;-)

I heart HSM3

2008-11-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

Both of my nieces have their birthdays in November and since they get soooo much stuff for their birthdays and for Xmas, Uncle Dave has put a moratorium on buying them gifts that you wrap - and instead all gifts are now experience-based/event-oriented/quality-time presents.

Last year for their birthdays I took them to see High School Musical (1&2) ON ICE. Oh yes, the Disney producers sifted all of the magical moments from the first two movies and condensed it down to a single ice extravaganza. I knew my nieces loved HSM so thought this would be a fun gift.

Well, on the day of the ice show, they forced me to watch BOTH movies, back to back, so I'd be up to speed on the complex characters and intricate story lines. So as a good uncle, I sat through 6 hours of HSM - watched both movies and then sat through the 2 hour ice show that recapped everything I had just seen. PURE MAGIC.

Advance to this year, and when I saw the commercial that High School Musical was coming to the silver screen, and premiering in late October, I knew I had the makings of their next birthday gifts.

So I got tickets for opening weekend and we made a day of it. The movie was - well - created for young girls... and they LOVED IT. They said it was, by far, the best of the trilogy. I thought it was super cheesy and a bit phony but I'm not the target audience so it really doesn't matter what I think.

Afterwards, it was off to a dinner of their choice. The little one (7-yr) screamed "Burgers! Let's go to Red Robin!" So Uncle Dave obliges and we trek to the nearest one. But on the way, they kept talking about how much they loved the songs, so luckily right next door to Red Robin was a Blockbuster so we popped and got the HSM3 Soundtrack.

Then at Red Robin, they opened the CD and of course inside was a double-sided, fold-out poster of the cast - which they bickered about which one of them was gonna get the poster. Ah, sibling rivalry. Oh, and then the little orders pizza...wtf?

I really like these types of gifts cuz we get to spend some quality time together. I really enjoy it - and I think they do too. I think, once they're older, they're gonna totally dig having the cool gay uncle!

Oh, and on that note, my 12-yr old niece said that she's voting NO on 8, and in her own words, when asked why she would vote no, she said "Because it doesn't affect me, and everyone should have the right to marry whomever they want. Me and my friends at school want Ellen to marry her girlfriend." So now my brother and sister-in-law are going to have "the talk" with her soon and let her know about her very special uncle. I'm excited...and nervous... but mostly excited.

iWon and iLost

2008-11-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Last night was Halloween! And what made the night great was that Wilma and Andrew came up from LA for the weekend and we tore it up out on the town. I stayed dressed as Rod Lanceshaft but I made one modification to the costume. I stuffed a HUGE dildo down my red polyester pants to add that extra touch that really puts the "rod" in my persona's name.

We started the night with cocktails and Chinese food at my place and then we headed over to the Polk Street area of bars. I mean - what better place to be dressed as a 70s pornstar - the gay mecca in the 70s. We met up with a big group of friends at the Lush Lounge and had a few drinks there but then we went to the Cinch Saloon. It was packed. While at the lush lounge, Matt Duke decided to put on my wig and show us his many looks. Fierce - every single one of them! One of them is Katie Holmes, aka Dead Eyes. Can you pick out which one is Katie?

We were having a really good time and then all of a sudden they interrupted everyone to introduce a costume contest. My friends insisted that I enter so I went up on stage and the crowd roared... thanks mostly to my group of friends who screamed their heads off. I was on stage with about 12 contestants - and in fact many of the costumes were pretty good. One of the bar staff helping with the contest was dressed PERFECTLY as Patsy Stone... so good...

They then had each of us come to the front of the stage and have the crowd applause/scream for their favorites. After everyone had their moment, they narrowed it down to 3 finalists - a guy dressed as Edward Scissorhands, another guy not in a costume but just had a fake rubber wound on his neck (WTF?), and Rod Lanceshaft.

They had the audience go through another round of applause to determine the winner. And even though my group of friends screamed their bloody heads off, alas, Edward Scissorhands won, but I came in 2nd place and won $75 cash. Pretty awesome!

Oh - and then when I came off the stage, I went to get my iPhone that I put on a ledge (so it wasn't ruining the "lines" of my polyester pants) and it was GONE. So that $75 win is going to cost me $200 for a new iPhone.

All in all, we had a super fun time - and I'm paying for it this morning - figuratively and literally. Oh and somewhere in between the bar, the cab, and my house, the wig is missing. Damn!

Rod Lanceshaft is now signing autographs

2008-10-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm Rod Lanceshaft...the barely-famous and rarely-employed 70s pornstar. I'm ready to sign autographs... do you want one? Really? Are you sure? Don't you remember me? No? The films "Pokey and the Bandit" and "Cocky Horror Picture Show"? Really? No? You sure you don't want an autograph? Then can I interest you in a time share?

Turns out I was the only one in my small office to dress up (gee...the gay one dressed up...go figure). Fearing that may be the case, I brought a few extra crazy wigs to the office and made some coworkers join in. I mean seriously...Rod Lanceshaft, the self-proclaimed infamous, rarely-employed 70s pornstar, needs some bitches on his arm...right?

SERVE IT!

"Read me the one about Keating Five, Mommy..."

2008-10-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

While in Barnes and Noble, on my way to buy the new Pink CD "Funhouse" (which I'm totally digging!), this book cover caught my eye. Really? A children's book? WTF? It's all done in this illustration style. I'm sure it's a bedtime story, cuz it's sure to put anyone to sleep.

Crazy Cab comes to SF

2008-10-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

So the other night I was in this cab... and the driver was BLASTING this music and nodding his head back and forth partially rocking out to it. I had to capture it. Make sure you put on your headphones/speakers and turn it up enough to hear... you've GOT to hear the song he was rocking out to. Not really what you want to listen to at 1am, but amusing nonetheless...

Now I know why the Yahoo! logo is red

2008-10-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

I just activated a Yahoo! email account and the very first screen I see when I went to my fresh-n-empty inbox was this... so I just as quickly deactivated it. Who knew the "Yahooooo-oooo!" yodel was more "Texan" than we thought. More like "Yahooooo-eeeew!"

Now where did I put my loom?

2008-10-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

As I was boiling water for my pasta, I saw this and thought, "Now THAT would make a funny t-shirt!"... I'm just saying...

Stop, drop, and RUN!

2008-10-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a creepy experience in the men's room at work. There are 2 stalls, and while I was in one, a man entered the second one long after I'd been there. I guess he didn't realize I was there, and while it was quiet, he moaned to himself

"I'm gonna kill myself. I swear, I'm gonna kill myself."

I FROZE. Freaked out, I didn't know what to do. Do I stay silent until he leaves? But what if he tries something while in the bathroom? Then I thought he was on the phone... I prayed. I caught his reflection in the tile wall and saw him, head was face down in his hands.

I panicked...and quickly ran out of the stall...and of course made enough noise for him to realize I was there. He came out quickly and I avoided eye contact. We were next to each other while at the sinks. My head never left my hands.

Later today, I was returning from the restroom - and who is walking towards me but HIM. I recognized the shirt. He goes to grab his cell phone, out of his pocket - it falls to the ground. In disgust, he kicks his phone hard.

I've never seen this man before and now I've encountered him twice. I've promised myself that if I run into him again today, then I'm supposed to interact with him. Maybe there's a lesson I'm supposed to learn in all this. But it's been very odd.

If you could have only heard the desperation in his voice when he uttered those words. Chilling. Dire. Sad. I hope he's OK.

I can't imagine what it means

2008-10-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

So I had a really strange dream last night. I dreamt that all of a sudden, a third testicle descended and I went to the doctor and they wanted to perform an emergency 9-hour surgery to remove it. But I decided to keep it :-?

Let the analysis begin.

Klever K-9

2008-10-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've always been amazed at what we're able to train dogs to do. They have an amazing capacity to learn and adapt considering they ARE a completely different species that lives among us. I think we rarely acknowledge how smart these beings really are. I mean...let's face it...they're able to learn human language...but we still can't understand theirs. But beyond what they can learn... they still possess a huge amount of innate problem-solving skills even though they've been so domesticated and fairly dependent.

I think what makes this clip so impressive is the truly remarkable amount of information-processing this pooch is exhibiting. No training. No lessons. No bait. Just pure will, determination, cleverness, and skill.

Maybe this Beagle should be on McCain's ticket instead. I mean...really...couldn't hurt. Actually - it might help him too much... let's keep Caribou Barbie in place since she obviously isn't exhibiting an equal intellect.

And, for you cat lovers out there...I know all the same applies to cats too... but...well... they're cats and frankly I just don't care as much about them cuz...well...they're not dogs. Woof!

Adverprickteasing

2008-10-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Really? Really. Porn studios now need on-the-street mobile marketing techniques for brand recognition? I think this is hilarious. What's next? Will the 49ers play at Elbow Grease Stadium? Or perhaps the Giants will feel at home at Jungle Juice Park.

PS... Matt...is any of this your handywork?

A girl after my own heart

2008-10-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I couldn't have said it better myself!

These are HYSTERICAL. Click here to check out all the other...Other Family comics.

What happens when you don't learn from history?

2008-10-06T16:37:00.001-07:00

You're doomed to repeat it.

Take 13 minutes and watch this video that reminds us that John McCain was connected/linked to the Savings & Loan crisis of the late 80s. Watch this and either learn something new or be reminded about McCain's history.

http://keatingeconomics.com/

No longer a spectator

2008-10-01T23:26:00.001-07:00

So I've been going to the Folsom Street Fair for the past 5 years. And each year I've been pretty much a spectator. I wear a tshirt and shorts and I hang out with friends who, for the most part, are wearing some form of leather product. But not I.

Well this year I decided to change all that. I decided to participate. I bought myself my first piece of leather. A tasteful leather vest. Now, compared to the bulk of the people at the fair, I was wearing evening attire. But for me this marked a few firsts.

This was my first time owning leather, and it was my first time ever being out in large public setting with my shirt off (almost). So, I've been recently getting more comfortable with being shirtless in group settings or at event weekends (Lazy Bear, Ptown, etc.) but I've never walked around in public at a street fair dressed in nothing but a skimpy leather vest.

I know it may sound stupid, but doing this was pretty nerve-racking for me. I know for many people they're thinking "Really, Dave? Nerve-racking? Puh-lease." But seriously, I was really panicked about this. For the 45 minutes before I left the house, I was pacing in my kitchen, sweating like a fool. I even wore a t-shirt under the vest when I left my house and in the cab ride down to the fair.

While in the cab - I decided to strip off the t-shirt so I could just get out and walk into the fair without having to do a quick change. As I walked the street, I acted like Linus and gripped my t-shirt in my fist as a security blanket. It helped. I didn't let go of that t-shirt for the first 45 minut

But then as the day went along, I chilled out and ended up having a great time spending the day with Boom, Fonzie, Ziah, Benji, Andy, and Diego. I felt like a participant of the Folsom Street Fair for the very first time. I was no longer a spectator. I realize this isn't a big moment for the planet... but it was a big moment for me. I was proud of myself. And it felt pretty damn good.

O'Shenanigans

2008-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Actual IM transcript with Shannon. For those of you who know him - you'll find it amusing. For those of you who don't know him...well...

daveyfuzz: how is u?
Shenanigans: i'm in love with the world - drawing flowers on scratch paper.
daveyfuzz: uh huh, right
Shenanigans: i know...be afraid - be very afraid.
daveyfuzz: those aren't flowers...those are Venus Flytraps with blood dripping form the thorns
Shenanigans: now the flowers have smiles on them!
daveyfuzz: spit out the acid hit
daveyfuzz: and drink plenty of water
Shenanigans: ...and one has a pretty, pretty hat - because, she's fancy.
daveyfuzz: I'm calling 911
daveyfuzz: lay down
daveyfuzz: breath deep
daveyfuzz: be still
daveyfuzz: help is on the way
daveyfuzz: Can you tell me who the president is?
daveyfuzz: Can you count from 10 to 1, backwards?
daveyfuzz: DOES ANYONE NEAR YOU HAVE A SPOON?
Shenanigans: you're trying to ruin my mood, aren't you? even if they HAD all the pieces of the last guy that ruined my mood...

Covet

2008-09-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

Every so often I get the itch for a new car. And, by every so often...I mean about every month. But the one thing that hasn't changed is what I want. I've wanted one of these (Infiniti G37) since it came out. It's just not in the cards right now, but I sure get a big ol' hard-on every time I see one.

Mr. Roboto Stayed Home, Thank God.

2008-09-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

Last night, Styx , oh yes...Styx, the super-power, progressive-rock, megahit-machine, magic-making group from the 70-80s, performed for one night at the Mountain Winery up in Saratoga.

There were 3 original members on stage including Tommy Shaw who was one of the lead singer/songwriters. Dennis DeYoung, the falsetto singer, is in some sort of tiff with the band and and was not there - however - they luckily found another keyboard/singer who pretty much sounded exactly like him - so the night was still a success.

Most people remember Styx from their pop days from big Billboard hits like "Babe" and mainstream pop-rock songs their album Paradise Theatre. However, They were a really great rock group prior to their big pop success. Which is what made the concert great.

They played only 2 songs from Paradise Theatre, "Too Much Time on My Hands" and "Snowblind"... and the rest of the setlist was from music prior to this album. And they ROCKED. Tons of classic 70s guitar solos, power drums, and long hair. In fact, they didn't even play the song "Babe" or "The Best of Times" which now I'm glad - cuz they were too schmaltzy. They also avoided all Styx music AFTER Paradise Theater... and if any of you remember "Mr. Roboto" then you can understand why.

Most people don't know that Styx was actually formed back in 1961 under another name... changed to Styx and started releasing albums under that name in 1972. So they actually have quite a body of work that spans the entire 1970s. And you could tell their whole vibe during the concert was about getting back to those roots of being a "rock band".

Wow - just saw Boston a few months ago... and last night I saw Styx. I might just need to scalp a ticket for the Foreigner concert tonight....and I'm not kidding... they are playing tonight at the Mountain Winery. What? I'm just sayin...

Beer bust can be a drag

2008-09-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it was another typical, hum-drum Sunday in SF. All I did was go to a Theatre Rhino Carol Channing Drag Contest Beer Bust Fundraiser. God...the city is boring ;-)

Quick clip of my fave performer from the eve.

I had the weirdest dream

2008-09-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I had this dream. I was giving a cocktail party for Yma Sumac, the Peruvian singer. This was odd, I mean I really like her singing, but I had never met Miss Sumac and even in a dream it seems strange that I would be giving her a party.

Anyway, she and I were alone in the living room of my place and we are getting along great. Laughing, talking, any minute other guests are expected. I have no idea though who any of them will be. So I have set out hors d'oeuvres all over the place and on one table I have put a bowl of gloog. The door bell rings, I open the door and there to my awe is Ava Gardner.

"Dahling" she says, "How nice of you to ask me." It's funny, cuz I don't know Ava Garnder either. In my dream, all my guests seem to know me very well, oddly though - none of them seem to know each other.

Anyway, I say "Miss Ava Gardner...I would like you to meet Miss Yma Sumac."
"Ah no, please," says Miss Sumac, "Let us not be so formal, por favor. Introduce each guest only by their first name, that way we all may become friends."
Fine with me, I think, so I introduce the two again.
"Ava...Yma."

The doorbell rings again, the second guest, Abba Eben, the Israeli foreign minister. I introduce him as Miss Sumac asks. I keep things on a first name basis.

"Abba...Yma, Abba...Ava." I start to grin, but no one finds anything amusing. The bell again...it's Oona O'Niel, Charlie Chaplin's wife. I bring her into the room.

"Oona...Yma, Oona...Ava, Oona...Abba."

We're all standing in a circle, smiling at each other, but no one is talking very much. The doorbell rings again. It's Ugo Betti, the Italian playwright. I bring him into the room.

"Ugo...Yma, Ugo...Ava, Ugo...Oona, Ugo...Abba." I quickly fill up everyone's glass of gloog. For some reason, I find myself hoping no other guests have been invited. The doorbell rings again. It's Ida Lapino, the actress, and Ulu Grossbard, the movie director.

I say, "Ida and Ulu, surely you know Yma and Ava. Ida, Ulu...Oona, Abba. Ida, Ulu...Ugo."

Please let there be more guests I said to myself. But the doorbell rings again. Everybody stands stony-faced as I usher in the new arrival. The Aga Khan.

"Folks, I guess you all know the Aga Khan." But there is a dead silence, and I must introduce him.

"Aga...Yma, Ava, Ida, Ulu, Abba, Ugo, Oona." I quickly suggest a game of Charades. They all say no. I ask Miss Sumac to sing for us, she refuses. I begin to wish I have never thrown this party. The doorbell rings and more guests arrive. Three more at the door. Mia Farrow, Pia Zadora, and Gia Scalla.

"Mia, Pia, Gia...Yma, Ava, Oona. Mia, Pia, Gia...Ida, Abba, Ugo, Aga, Ulu." I turn to see if this has made Miss Sumac happy. She ignores me. This is a terrible party. We're all standing in a circle glaring at each other. I begin to feel oddly hemmed in, like a man about to be stoned to death.

"Am I late?" asks Uta Hagen, the actress....breezing in without ringing the doorbell.
"No, of course not." I say.
"Please have the common decency to introduce your guest to one another," says Yma Sumac, angrily. I've begun to hate her.
"OK, OK!" I say. I take a deep breath.
"Uta...Yma, Uta...Ava, Uta...Oona, Uta...Ida, Uta...Mia, Uta...Pia, Uta...Gia, Uta...Ugo, Uta...Aga, Uta...Abba, Uta...Ulu."

And then I woke up. Weird.

My Dirty Little Secret...EXPOSED

2008-09-15T20:28:00.001-07:00

It appears my attempts to keep my dark secret buried have failed. Yes... it's true... I'm a hard-core, red-state, tax-break, war-loving, gay-hating REPUBLICAN. If you don't believe me, just follow these simple instructions:

STEP 1: If you are a member of Facebook, log on.
STEP 2: In the search field in the upper-righthand corner, enter the name "John McCain"
STEP 3: See the results

LOL... WTF???

Facebook has some serious algorithm issues with their search engine. I mean - seriously - Top 5 result for a "John McCain" search? Of all the hundreds of thousands of people on Facebook...that probably have the name John...or McCain...or John McCain... and good ol Dave DeFranco comes up because I have "Edwin McCain" and "John Grisham" listed in my FAVORITES section of my profile.

I like how they can accurately recommend a friend that I should know...but their search engine can't add a layer of relevance to know that I shouldn't be coming up in the Top 5 results for John McCain...

Spectacuamazincredibreathtaking

2008-09-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Fonzie recently went on a month-long solo camping adventure through Iceland. His pictures are nothing short of amazing and will leave you speechless to the incredible beauty that is Iceland...the likes of which I was unaware.

Prepare to be blown away by its natural awe and the sharp eye that took these.

Kudos Fonzie for leaving a lasting impression on me through the most amazing adventure you've ever experienced.

Click here to witness a place like no other - through some of the most spectacular photos I've ever seen.

This is how you know if your weatherman is gay

2008-09-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Grrrr to the last drop

2008-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

Funny IM exchange I had with Boom today... not for the faint of heart. Proceed with caution.

...and so I did

A Star-studded Cast of Studs

2008-09-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Gabe Zichermann blew through town this week for a few conferences. We got together last night at this teeny tiny Vietnamese placed called Tu Lan. The prices are from 1986 and the food was awesome. The two of us had two orders of the most amazing deep-fried pork rolls and we each had an entree for a grand total of $20. Right in downtown SF. Crazy! I mean, it is at the corner of Meth and Murder...but still.

Gabe, Andy, and I then took off to the Stro for $2 Tuesdays at 440. Then it was awesome as every new entry in the pub was someone we knew... Vinny Daloia, Paul Gilea...then Gabe Garcia...then Boom...then Alex... it was a nice eve. Too bad Gabe could only stay for a beer and then was off to join another group of friends.

I love it when nights like this just work out! Makes living in SF a delight.

WTF?

2008-09-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

I just found this Jar Jar Binks pencil on my desk... really... I have NO idea how this got in the office...or into my Princess Amidala pen jar...

The Sopresetta Caper

2008-09-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Steph sent me a link to a story that was in the PressDemocrat yesterday. This is priceless. The burglar was rubbing spices on the body of one sleeping man before striking another with a sausage. Really? Rubbing spices? Everyone knows you should brine your victims. Dry-rubs were SO 1998...duh...

Man struck by sausage, but evidence eaten

By LOUIS GALVAN
McCLATCHY NEWSPAPERS

Published: Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 4:30 a.m.
Last Modified: Sunday, September 7, 2008 at 3:45 a.m.

FRESNO -- A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed spices over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he ran out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond said.

Arrested was Antonio Vasquez, 22, of Fresno.

Burrimond said deputies were dispatched to the victims' home shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.

Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said. "I tell you, this was one weird case."

Here's the link to the article, if you don't believe me. You just can't make this shit up.

N64 now 0vodk twatdr etching distorting

2008-09-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

The heatwave in SF continues and I was out last night with friends for a few beers til about midnight. Just about the same time, down in LA, Chant, Wilma, and Andrew just headed out to a club in downtown LA called "Shits n Giggles"... here's part 2 in one of my favorite new series called "Drunk Texting from Chant".

(Actual transcript)

Chant: bitches
Me: What up pimp daddy?

Chant: making money downtown LA. not going well
Me: LOL u at shits n giggles still? I'm at 440 with the gang.

Chant: Tell them i paged hellmy. walking to sigur and giggles.
Me: You mean "tell them I said hello"? Or tell them you paged hellmy? LOL I see the drunk texting has started. Awesome.

Chant: U font know off lol
Me: Oh pleeze... not only do I know you...I'm over here translating ur drunk texts for everyone else...lol have a blast!

Chant: Pro so i'm piettx mvaai done lol with two drinks ho my hand
Me: I'd say so. LOL. U having fun at shits n giggles?

Chant: Gonz did u knowy galw i was trying to ray
Me: I did...c I know u! G'night chant. Hugz, rex

Chant: Lol find now we're wat they lower level dancing to house nutspga. home might

Chant: N64 now 0vodk twatdr etching distorting

Chant: sorryo if thigp woke u up doffcommitt

Chant: Shoeo sho shge shaw show shi sheow shuoeh

THAT LAST ONE IS MY FAVORITE.... my guess is at this point, Chant is walking on a bridge over the highway and is trying to communicate how the noises from the highway sound like the Mandarin language (no seriously...I'd bet MONEY that's what this text was about)

Keep up the good work, Chant! Always entertaining...

A Crazy Day in LA

2008-08-28T15:17:00.001-07:00

On my way home from Palm Springs, I drove back through LA so I could visit with Chant, Wilma, and the special guest star, Matress, who was in LA from Atlanta. I didn't want to miss a chance to see him so I rerouted my departure plans and was going to have lunch with them before driving back to SF.

Well... upon arrival, a fresh cocktail was forced into my hand ;-) and the party had started and my plans to leave LA at 5pm were foiled. Instead - the new, less intelligent plan - was for me to stay the day and wake up at 3am to drive directly into work on Monday morning. A plan that ONLY could have been concocted after the first cocktail was gone.

After a few drinks and a quick lunch at Denny's, we all headed down into the LA subway and took off for beer bust at the Faultline. They had the entire parking lot roped off and the bust was happening outside as well as inside. It was super fun. We took off our shirts and enjoyed the warm day among the LA boys.

One of the funnier moments was popping into the leather shop next door where I, in my buzzed state, climbed into the free-standing sling with cocktail in-hand. LOL. She's classy. The scariest part of the entire day was finding out on Tuesday that we had actually gone to McDonald's for dinner and ate Angus Burgers. I have no recollection of this - which is weird cuz I was awake for 4 hours AFTER the meal which I remember completely. I'm calling it momentary memory lapse brought on by sun stroke. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thanks Chant, Wilma, and Matress for making my twelve hours in LA (well...at least the 11 1/2 that I remember) tons of fun!

Give me Liberty or Give me Death

2008-08-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Whenever the weather turns warm in SF, it is quite common to see this handful of men walking up and down Castro Street in nothing more than their birthday suits...and flip-flops.

Now - public nudity isn't my personal cup of tea - but I wholehearted embrace the spirit of a city where these people feel the personal expression and freedom to be who they are without public scorn and ridicule.

I realize it might be shocking to many... but I don't think they're harming anyone. It's just the human body.

So after seeing these guys around a few times I thought it was time to approach them and make nice. Jace was kind enough to snap a shot.

This is just another punctuation point on what an amazing city this is. I can't imagine living anywhere else and I can't express my appreciation and good fortune that I'm able to live here and participate in a community that pushes boundaries and forces discussion.

The day the mindset shifts and drag queens stop coming around and boys stop kissing on the sidewalk...and these guys stop taking an evening stroll "al fresco" is the day I start filling out my "Welcome to Canada" application form.

Was Fun to be a "Part of that World"

2008-08-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to "Sing-along Little Mermaid" at the Castro Theatre. What a hoot! I went with Andy, Boom, Fonzi, and Ziah. Upon entry, we were greeted by Aerial and the French Chef from the film. They handed us a bag filled with goodies. At first, I thought it was a party favor bag to take home.

What I soon realized that it was our "Interactive Movie Kit" It was filled with:

1.Gold King Triton crown

2. Plastic pearl necklace

3. Bubbles

4. Glow stick

5. Plastic "clackers"

6. Plastic fork

7. Poppers (i.e. the kind that shoot confetti on New Year's Eve ;-)

The theater was filled to the brim. To my surprise, there were some families with little kids. I guess I had thought this was a "gay" thing but it was definitely a nice, mixed crowd. Before they started the film, they paraded the children on stage to show off their costumes. Surprise, surprise...it was Aerial after Aerial after Aerial... but was totally cute, nonetheless. Then they had adults in costumes come up for a quick costume contest. Then the two character hosts that greeted us (Chef and Aerial) explained some of the "rules" for the evening. It was feeling more and more like a Disney-version of Rocky Horror Picture Show - and I was liking it!

Here were the rules:

1. Boo and Hiss every time Ursula and her evil sidekicks, Flotsum and Jetsum, appeared

2. Ooh and Ahh every time Aerial dons a new outfit

3. Smooch sounds every time Aerial and the Prince are close to each other

4. Clack the clackers every time Sebastian the crab is moving around

5. Blow bubbles at will but specifically when Aerial is taking a bubble bath

6. Get up and dance and sing around the theatre at any time...just stay off the stage

7. Yell "Look out" when the shark approaches

8. Shoot the poppers when they get married

9. And...of course...SING ALONG to every song!!

Upon conclusion of the film... I had realized that I had, in fact, never actually seen Little Mermaid before. I knew none of the songs and I knew none of the story. But that didn't make it any less fun. It was great energy. Everyone was wearing their crowns and glow sticks. Everyone sang, cheered, and clapped constantly throughout.

Out front, we hung out a bit amongst the crowd. I was particulary amused by this guy... fresh from childood flashback, crown still on, jonesing for a smoke.

And Fonzi was so funny - he couldn't stop playing with the pearl necklace so I decided a photo shoot was in order. Fierce, Fonzi! Fierce!

And what would Sing-Along Little Mermaid in the Castro be without the requisite tranny Ursula who thought that just wearing a black dress with big hooters was all the costume she needed to be Ursula. I mean, like she'd pad the dress to look fat ...puh-leaze!

In the group shot, from left to right: me, Fonzi, Ziah, Boom, and Andy. Fun time guys! Can't wait until Sing-Along "West Side Story" I'm SOOOOOO all over that.

Oh - quick side note: Andy shared that as a child, whenever swimming in a pool, he would often recreate that "money" shot of Aerial on the rocks with crashing waves by protruding from the end of the diving board and then have his friends make a big splash behind him. I'd call that "Little Mexmaid" LOL

I'll have the hexagon scramble, please

2008-08-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work, my boss introduced a fun little word game. You have to describe yourself in a 6-word statement. Here's mine:

"Lives to die with a smile"

What's yours? Comment and let me know.

Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.

2008-08-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, I couldn't wait to listen to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 every weekend. I always had to keep up on what music was hot. I used to also visit Tower Records and grab a fresh issue of Billboard magazine to check out the Hot 100 singles and the Top 200 Album charts. I loved reading these charts - and to this day - every Thursday I visit Billboard.com to check out these same charts as I've done since I was 13.

Now having said that - I'm aware that "popular" music doesn't equal "good" music or "critically acclaimed" music. My tastes in music have always been mainstream. I guess because mainstream is usually what I'm being fed on the radio so that's been my diet.

And I've noticed that as I get older, music seems to be playing a less and less important role in my life. In fact, I don't really feel that I've ever really gone out seeking new music in a way that so many others do. I'm always fascinated scrolling through someone's iPod and seeing tons of artists of whom I've never heard.

But today - I really felt old.

I was snooping around the web and came across a webpage/blog that had various lists...Top 100 albums of the 1970s, etc. I decided to check out the Top 100 Albums of 2007. Just last year. Well, needless to say, i recognized like only two artists' names and I'd heard of (or heard) NONE of the albums. Damn!

Made me realize how out of it I am but more significantly I felt as though I've been missing out on a bunch of great music. I hate to admit it but I don't even really know who Radiohead is. I've heard the name but couldn't tell you any of their music. Boom told me that "In Rainbows" is amazing and was ranked #4 on this Top 50 list. So he's going to burn me the CD so I can do some new music research.

I wish I had the time to really investigate more of these other albums. I'm sure there's some amazing stuff out there that, unless it's being fed to me, I just haven't been eating. I'm excited to listen to the Radiohead CD. And as I seek exposure to more new music, I have high hopes that I'm going to discover something that really touches me profoundly. I guess that won't necessarily make me feel young again... but maybe feeling old wasn't actually what I was feeling in the first place. I think I was feeling more left out. Feeling as though there is this orbit that's happening that other people are a part of - and I've been just beyond its reach.

Pitchfork's Top 50 Albums of 2007
How many do you know or own?
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/feature/47446-top-50-albums-of-2007

Simon Cowell can SUCK IT!

2008-08-15T09:09:00.001-07:00

While in Palm Springs, I'm staying with my oldest and closest friend, Dan. We've been friends since we were 5. We grew up on the same street and have been basically brothers our whole lives. So it's been great to get some time to hang out. It's been almost 1 year since I've been here, so it was overdue.

When we're together we always want to be silly. It's a good thing. Dan is a game-ophile so he's got every gaming system under the sun. We were feeling the need to sing, so he put in American Idol Karaoke and we spent 2 hours singing. We sang easy songs but had the most fun singing the harder ones. What's a hard song, you ask? Bohemian Rhapsody. We laughed our asses off when we got to the "I'm a just little silhouette of a man. Scaramouch! Scaramouch! Will you do the fandango!"

We pulled out our highest, and screechiest, falsetto voices and i started tip-toe dancing around the living room as if I was a "little silhouette of a man" and then we started busting up. Super good time.
We ended up singing like 15 songs. But, one stood out as our favorite. When we were 16, we used to drive around in Dan's red Mazda RX-7 and blast "Come Sail Away" by Styx and sing it at the TOP of our lungs. So imagine our delight that this song was in the game. We warmed up with some other songs to get ready but after our throats were warmed up - we busted out "Come Sail Away". Perfect.
Good to know that no matter how old we get -we can still be the silly kids we were - whenever we get together. I guess that's part of the magic of why we're still friends - still brothers.

Mamma Mia! Holy Moly! Oi Vey! Ay Carumba! OMG!

2008-08-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

I really don't know where to begin. I'm all a-fluster with commentary I'm literally busting out of my skin.

Now let me start by saying 2 things. First of all, I never saw the stage production so I'm judging this solely on it as a movie - not an adaptation - so I'm not giving it any pity points. Secondly, I absolutely walked into the theater with a bevy of warnings... "Just go see it and have fun," "Don't expect much," "Just enjoy how much fun they're having." I had also seen Roper & Ebert's review on it... so trust me... I wasn't expecting "CHICAGO" or anything that sophisticated. So I did. I really walked in assuming it wouldn't be great but it's ABBA music in Greece... so fun music and great scenery. That didn't disappoint. It was ABBA music and it was great scenery.

I'll start on a positive, since they are few and easy to mention so we get on with the serious dishing.

The single, best part of this movie is Amanda Seyfried. She's enchanting, believable, and j'adorable. She lights up every scene she's in and she can actually sing.

The other enchanting part of this movie is the setting/scenery. The country of Greece should have received top billing in this film - because it sure delivered a spectacular performance in every scene in which it appears.

Everyone else in this movie is - well - atrocious. I think the biggest problem was that it was poorly cast. Most of this movie's problems fall from this simple fact. The leads - including Meryl Streep - are incapable of doing what most performers need to do in a musical - sing and dance well.

Meryl (luv you to death but come on...) is about 15 years too old for this part. She delivers some very tender moments, one of which did make me cry, but for the most part, she should NOT have been in this movie. And many times during the movie, she sounded drunk - slurring her speech. Maybe that was the only way she could tolerate getting through this abomination.

The rest of the leads, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Christine Baranski, Julie Waters, and Something Sarsgaard were nothing short of awkward, overacting, and bothersome. The standout crappiest singer is Pierce. Who did you blow to get this role? Why were you even considered? Why did you even audition? And towards the end of the movie, Colin Firth's portrayal actually started to offend me. Don't want to give anything away - so I'll stop there - but I wanted to shoot a paintball at him towards the end of the film.

The dancing scenes were so awkward that I actually burst out laughing more than once. One was so ridiculous that I snorted. You'll know it when you see it. And you will laugh too, I promise.

Overall - this entire movie felt as though they filmed the rehearsals and decided to just use that footage. The movie felt unprofessionally executed and, at times, extremely amateur.

I could go on and on - and it may seem that I already have - but if you've seen it and disagree with me - happy to debate. Or if you agree with me - happy to dish.

I will say this - I do give it HUGE points for providing me blog material.

The patron saint of the incontinent

2008-08-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

Today I drove down to the desert, but not until after first swinging by Santa Monica to have lunch with Chant, Wilma and Hank... cuz that's how I roll. I swing by LA... I know, I'm pimp.

I sauntered into Santa Monica just about noon and we grabbed a quick bite a local diner/cafe. After a quick trip to Starbucks and then picking up a REXY new pair of Puma sneaks, it was time to get back on the road and head out to Palm Desert.

But first I had to make a quick pit stop at the restroom of this totes pimp McDonald's. Let me set the stage for this McDonald's. Hardwood trim. Plasma TV screens abound. Pretty stylin. So I walked into the stall expecting to find a fairly pimpin' restroom. Well the amenities didn't disappoint, but what I wasn't so impressed with was the plotch of diarrhea left on the bathroom floor of the stall. YES. A plotch of shit.

I began to analyze the potential scenarios that might render such a result. THE only fathomable explanation I can tolerate is that a father was changing his baby's diaper and while his head was turned to sneeze, the baby pushed out a plotch, on the sly.

Any other scenario is unacceptable. Period. Full stop.

Of course, when I entered, I was the only one in the restroom. Now there were a pair of feet just outside the door...waiting for the stall. WHAT WILL HE THINK? I'll tell you... he will think I did it. So... the highlight of my roadtrip to Palm Desert was having to wipe up baby shit [I pray] off the ground to protect my own personal brand from being soiled [wink]. Why I would care what a stranger would think... but obviously I did... cuz I did.

You've never seen SUCH a wadded fistful of toiletpaper in your life. The poor plumbing. Sorry pipes. Choke away cuz unless there were 64-plies of paper tween me and plotch, it wasn't gonna happen.

So thank you Santa Monica, for getting the "Holy Shit" award of the day. Other than that - had a super fun - yet quick - impromptu lunch with my posse in LA. Fo' shizzle...

I took a picture of the plotch, for in-person storytelling shock value. Notice I've spared you all the misery. How caring am I? When will I be anointed a saint? What would I be the patron saint of? I'll leave that up to the peanut gallery of comments. Have at it!

Headed to the Desert...in August. Who am I?

2008-08-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

My client workload was super light this week due to shifting client dates - so my boss told me that I could take 3 days of PTO to fill out the rest of the week. So what do i do? Stay home and nest and relax? Um... no. I'm jumping in the car tomorrow morning and driving to Palm Springs to hang out with my friend Dan, Shilo, Kevin, Jason, and Ashley.

I know...I know... it's like 105 degrees there. Yikes! But I haven't been there in quite a while so it will be nice to visit them. I picked up 2 audiobooks to keep me company on the drive down.

ROADTRIP!!!

Anything but Lazy

2008-08-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a whirlwind. It was Lazy Bear up at Guerneville (Russian River) and I was lucky enough to stay with a great group of guys right in town. Let me back up by saying that I haven't been to Lazy Bear in 3 years. 2005 was the last time I was there. I had gone for 4 consecutive years and although I always had fun, it started to become a bit routine - so I thought putting some time between me and the lazies would reinvigorate the experience. And it did.

I was only at Lazy Bear for a whopping 42 hours but they were fun filled and action packed. Immediately after my arrival at 8pm, me and my housemates, Fred, Donovan, and the 3 Scotts (Barney, Stauffer, and Shouse) all got ready for the big Bearacuda underwear party. I had a cute pear of GAP boxers all ready to wear. As we were getting ready, Donovan and Scott Barney decided to start dancing out on the deck and getting us all in the mood for the big dance.

We were the first people to arrive at the dance so we stood by the entrance and welcomed the troops as they entered. It was fun. I ran into a guy I met on the Mexican Riveria cruise and he was sweet enough to give me a free BearTag. That saved me $110! So nice of him. We danced and sweat the night away. My entire posse of friends was there so it made for a really fun evening. I cut out around 2am on the hunt for a late night snack. I trekked over to Safeway and bought a big container of fried chicken, a 7-layer mexican dip and a bag of tortilla chips. I couldn't wait for the walk all the way back to the cabin, so in true bear fashion I scarfed down 3 pieces of chicken while walking, irreverently tossing chicken bones into the bushes. Grrrr.

6 hours of Saturday were spent by the pool with Andy, Diego, Gabe, Boom, and a host of others at the West Sonoma Inn. What a great day. $2 ice cold beers all day and a ton of nice people. Nuf said.

After a little disco nap, we all headed over to Yamagata's to listen to Dickie spin. What an amazing set. He really got us all dancing! It was great. But then he set ended and a horrible DJ took over, killed the mood, and drove us all out of the bar. Andy, Diego, and I headed over to Matt Duke and Gabe's place for an impromptu house party. There was 7 of us enjoying the hot tub [al fresco ;-)] and then a tribe of campers decided to join our party so we quickly killed the hot-tub party and hiked ourselves out to get dressed and entertain them. A few more friends trickled in and we had ourselves a nice little house party that lasted into the wee hours of the morn.

Sunday was a short day for Davey. I had only a few hours to hang out at the "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" party held at an abandoned estate. The grounds were amazing, filled with giant pool toys, a faux waterfall, 3 bars, and 700 of my closest friends. Fred and Donovan had brought a canopy (bless you) which soon became hang-out central for our extended posse. I ran into some people that I had just met in Provincetown and we were able to exchange numbers with promises of getting together back in SF.

So - the name is a misnomer. This weekend was anything but lazy - but I wouldn't have had it ANY other way. I'm so glad I stayed with Fred/Donovan and the Scotts. It was great to spend some quality time with them - as it doesn't happen nearly enough. I'm reinvigorated about Lazy Bear and anxious to go next year but this time for a bit longer than 42 hours. But I'll take 42 fun hours over many more mediocre ones.

We all need at least one boycott, right?

2008-07-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

Let's face it - fonts mean something to us. They communicate brand and style. If they didn't, we wouldn't have hundreds to choose from when creating logos, headlines, etc.

Starbucks has this new line of beverages called VIVANNO nourishing blends. And this is the font they are using for the names of the flavors. I just don't get it. Really? A really crappy hand-scratch font? It's bad. Plain and simple. It doesn't say "nourishing" or "blend" or "Starbucks".

HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!

I refuse to even try one of these beverages until they change that stupid-ass font. Oh, I'm so serious.

A day in the life of us agency folks

2008-07-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

This is sooo hilarious! Watch the whole thing. It's SO on the money. Perfect!

http://www.makemylogobiggercream.com/

The Game of Life

2008-07-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we had a family gathering at my parent's house to welcome my grandma's arrival. My parents have put up a 1,000 gallon inflatable pool for my nieces to swim in when they come over. Yes...I said 1,000 gallons. It's crazy but fun. We played Marco Polo and volleyball and I picked them up and slammed them down into the water a bunch of times too. I mean, if I can't torture them, it's just no fun. Jessica is 12 and in the back. Sydney is 7.

So after we had a great BBQ dinner, Sydney insisted that we all play the board game, "The Game of Life". I swear I don't recall ever playing this game in my life. What a boring game. The game has absolutely no strategy to it - and all you do is take and pay out money. You basically pick out a station wagon (I picked blue) and put either a blue or pink piece in the driver seat to represent "yourself".

There are aspects of this game that are still a bit archaic and old-fashioned (FYI, this board game was created in 1861). For example, everyone in the game, at a certain point, must STOP AND GET MARRIED. So when it was my turn, I decided to be a bit edgy and put another blue piece next to me. I didn't say anything to anyone...wondering if anyone would notice. Of course, nothing gets by Sydney and about halfway through the game she said "Uncle Dave, why do you have 2 blues in your car?" I played dumb and said, "Oh, I just grabbed a piece out of the bag." To which she replied, "Then why didn't you grab a pink piece." I said, "I don't know." She said, "Why don't you grab one now." I said, "Oh, it's no biggie. It's fine as it is." My sister-in-law looked at me and laughed...I grinned from ear to ear.

At the end of the evening, my brother and sister-in-law and I were talking about the fact that my nieces don't know I'm gay and need to be told soon. So they've asked me to come over one evening and the three of us will have "the conversation". I have to admit I'm nervous about coming out to my nieces. I'd hate for them to look at me differently, in any way. I'm hoping, though, that they won't care and finding out early in their life will make them sensitive and open-minded from a very early age. I think it was very cool that my brother/sister want me to be there for this conversation. Keep your fingers crossed that all goes well.

My Grandma

2008-07-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

My 83-yr old grandma arrived from New Jersey. It's always great to see her. She usually comes out for Xmas only but this year she came out for a summer visit and to surprise her great-grand daughter, Jessica, who will be performing in a community center production of High School Musical.

I have a really great relationship with her. I've always been able to talk to her, frankly, and she's always respected me as an adult. She totally doesn't care that I'm gay and after I told her she NEVER looked at me differently. Never.

She's spunky and foul-mouthed. She loves to play cards (for money) and she LOVES to play the slots. Her diet consists mostly of toast, coffee, and cigarettes. She demands kisses as a source of energy and currency - if you want something she has or you want her to do something - you have to give her a kiss.

She's lived within a 5-mile radius in Hudson County, New Jersey her entire life.

When we were kids she used to spoil us rotten. She taught us how to play poker and how to learn the strategy of a card game. We couldn't (and still can't) do wrong. She's a proud grandmother and doesn't think twice about bragging to her friends about her family.

She's 4' 10" tall and she doesn't take shit from anybody. Don't piss her off or she won't think twice about hitting you in the nuts with her cane and then flipping you off while swearing at you! And don't touch food with your fingers or she'll say 'You touch...and I break your fingers!" Oh, and she used to work for the garbage company... so make sure you don't end up on her shit list cuz you just never know when you'll be sporting a pair of cement shoes ;-)

She's Ann D'Amore, she's my grandma and I love her to pieces. I hope I have more time with her before she leaves us.

I caught a few pics as she came off the airplane.