Oy to the World

So here it is. Christmas Eve. It's just as it's been for quite some time now. At my parents', eating our traditional anchovy pasta dinner (fish only on Xmas Eve) and then it's a movie marathon watching "It's a Wonderful Life", "The Bell's of St. Mary's", and "A Christmas Carol".

I'm not as much in the Christmas spirit this year as I usually am, but I was hoping that a touch of tradition - as lame and trivial as it is - would feel good. It actually is making me sadder. Because it's so familiar and so routine, it's actually boring and there's nothing to say/react to. We're all being drones watching this movie, we ate dinner quickly, not much conversation, and the little convo we did have was sadly about people I don't know. My mother is compelled to share stories of people in their parish that I've never met. They are sad, dreary stories always involving some illness, death, or tragedy. My mom works for her church and I swear it sounds SO depressing all the time.

I think I've come to realize that I don't think I'm really getting what I need from my family and I really do prefer the company of my friends. I think because my parents really don't "engage" me in my life as a gay man - never ask me questions about my personal life "Are you seeing anyone?" "Is there anyone special in your life?", or "Gone on any dates lately?" Nothing. So I come here and it seems to be just more of the same. More of nothing.

I once was telling my friends that I believe we actually build the family that we need - in the moment of our lives when we need them. And right now, my friends are my family and the support group - the close nest of smiles and hearts - that I need today way more than my biological family. I hear people always say "Oh, it was sooo great to be with my family." I have to say I haven't felt that in a long time. I usually feel "Oh, it was sooo great to be with my friends."

It sounds so mean and selfish to say it outloud - to actually put that into print. But whether I write it or not - it doesn't make it any less true. During this holiday season - there is nowhere more I'd rather be than in my house, filled with my friends, laughing aloud and being merry. That is the Xmas Eve that I wish for. That is the holiday that I'd like experience. That is the tradition that I'd like to look forward to each and every year. But the world has built-in the requirement that we must/should be with our biological families during these times.

The funny part is - I REALLY love Christmas. I love the lights. The decorations. The music. The tree. The clay-mation shows from the 70s. Maybe... just maybe... next year I'll throw a Christmas Eve party of my own. I like that idea. I'm smiling now thinking about that. Yay! :-)