Funny how when we're infants, the grandest thing you can do to receive acclaim is poop your pants. Unveiling a hot and heavy steamer in the nest of a diaper is a treasure chest when you're at the pacifier stage.
Not so much when you're 42.
Last week I was suffering from the onset of a severe stomach flu or food poisoning. I tried coming to work but was exhausted and dehydrated from my hours on the throne. I crawled into the backseat of my car to grab a quick catnap to help invigorate me.
When I awoke, I felt another rumble in the Bronx, sat up in the car, and headed towards the public restroom in our office complex. On the way...I sensed something running down the back of my thigh. I stopped. Touched my ass. And, yes, to my chagrin my entire backside was soaked with my sick.
I then had to walk through the office complex courtyard where people lounged to get to the restroom. Interject "MORTIFIED" look on my face when I got to the restroom and pulled off my jeans. OH EM GEE!!
I basically had to bathe myself, toss the "treasure chest" into the garbage can, and get to my parent's house which was only 7 miles from work. But the worse part was that I had to put those NASTY WET jeans back on to get back to my car.
I did, and hurried back through the complex courtyard, pivoting by passer-bys pretending to talk on my cell phone so I could keep my front to everyone. So stealth.
When I got to my car, I realized I couldn't sit on the seat, so I took off my pants in the parking garage, and planned to drive naked to my parent's. But this journey is not over. I sat in the car only to be welcomed to the stench that I had just left behind in the bathroom. I turn around and see a wet spot on the backseat. I guess when I sat up from my nap - that's when it occurred. I quickly put those nasty jeans back on, ran around to the back and soaked the seat with water from my gym bottle...and scrubbed fast and furious in my best Joan Crawford because I truly was MAD AT THE DIRT.
I got naked once again, crawled into the driver seat and drove to my parents house. It was so weird to drive naked from the waist down. OK, it was a little exciting. Got to parent's house, had to put those damn jeans back on again to get into the house. Once in, I crawled into bed to sleep the adventure away.