As a follow-up to my last blog entry
Me: So, did you finally choose what to give up for Lent?
Judas: Yes, I decided that I'm not going to talk "shit" about people.
Me: Really?
Judas: Hey, I'm a girl. That's going to be hard.
Me: Well I'm glad you made a decision.
Judas: [Slams her palm over her mouth] Oh shit, yesterday I TOTALLY talked shit about someone. Damn!
Me: You should've just given up booze.
Judas: You're right. OK...BE NICE...starting...NOW!
The next 5 weeks are going to be fun!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
excelLENT
I just had a lunch with my friend...who, for this story, I'll call..."Judas". And she had the ash on her forehead cuz today is, well, Ash Wednesday. We started talking about Lent and what she was planning to sacrifice for the next 5 weeks. Here's our conversation:
Judas: I need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent.
Me: What are you considering?
Judas: I don't know, probably alcohol.
Me: And what is the criteria you're using to decide?
Judas: I'm supposed to give up something that means a great deal to me.
Me: [I held up her iPhone] What about this?
Judas: NO WAY! [She nabs it from me in disgust] I can't live without my phone for 5 weeks. How will people call me? How will my boyfriend text me? I have a child!
Me: Um, people have been calling others for over half-a-century using regular phones. You had boyfriends before texting. And people have been raising children forever before there were cell phones.
Judas: True. But I couldn't live without my phone for 5 weeks. What else could I give up?
Me: How about sex?
Judas: WHAT? No way. Geez, why are you asking me to give up things I can't live without?
Me: Um, isn't that the point of this exercise?
Judas: Is it? I'd give up sex before I gave up my iPhone.
Me: OK, how about giving up Facebook?
Judas: [Dead stare at me] Be serious. How would I stalk my boyfriend? What else you got?
Me: Really? You couldn't give up Facebook for 5 weeks?
Judas: [Dead stare #2]
Me: [As we pass a Starbucks I point at it] Give up that.
Judas: STARBUCKS?! Are you crazy?
Me: No, I mean give up coffee.
Judas: WHAT?! You don't want me to give that up, trust me.
Me: You could do it.
Judas: No way. Next?
Me: OK, then give up vanity. No make-up.
Judas: Can't. I have a wedding to go to this weekend.
Me: So?
Judas: [Dead stare #3]
Me: OK, what about giving up TV?
Judas: Then how will I kill time everynight? Why are you picking tough ones?
Me: It's so you learn about sacrifice. You're the one with the ash on your forehead, not me. So really, what about TV?
Judas: My TiVo would fill up and it wouldn't record all my shows. How would I get all caught up after Easter?
Me: You'd have 80 hours worth of shows.
Judas: [Dead stare #4]
Me: Really! Really? 80 hours wouldn't be enough?
Judas: Next?
Me: OK, then how about you give up TiVo.
Judas: But what if I missed American Idol?
Me: OK, then give up American Idol.
Judas: Uh-uh. That's the main reason why I can't give up TV!
Me: Really? You can't give up Idol?
Judas: Nope. Next idea?
Me: Well, there's really only one thing left to give up.
Judas: What's that?
Me: Catholicism...cuz you're a poser.
Judas: You're right. I'll just stay a sinner. Idol's on tonight AND tomorrow, right?
ExcelLENT!
Judas: I need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent.
Me: What are you considering?
Judas: I don't know, probably alcohol.
Me: And what is the criteria you're using to decide?
Judas: I'm supposed to give up something that means a great deal to me.
Me: [I held up her iPhone] What about this?
Judas: NO WAY! [She nabs it from me in disgust] I can't live without my phone for 5 weeks. How will people call me? How will my boyfriend text me? I have a child!
Me: Um, people have been calling others for over half-a-century using regular phones. You had boyfriends before texting. And people have been raising children forever before there were cell phones.
Judas: True. But I couldn't live without my phone for 5 weeks. What else could I give up?
Me: How about sex?
Judas: WHAT? No way. Geez, why are you asking me to give up things I can't live without?
Me: Um, isn't that the point of this exercise?
Judas: Is it? I'd give up sex before I gave up my iPhone.
Me: OK, how about giving up Facebook?
Judas: [Dead stare at me] Be serious. How would I stalk my boyfriend? What else you got?
Me: Really? You couldn't give up Facebook for 5 weeks?
Judas: [Dead stare #2]
Me: [As we pass a Starbucks I point at it] Give up that.
Judas: STARBUCKS?! Are you crazy?
Me: No, I mean give up coffee.
Judas: WHAT?! You don't want me to give that up, trust me.
Me: You could do it.
Judas: No way. Next?
Me: OK, then give up vanity. No make-up.
Judas: Can't. I have a wedding to go to this weekend.
Me: So?
Judas: [Dead stare #3]
Me: OK, what about giving up TV?
Judas: Then how will I kill time everynight? Why are you picking tough ones?
Me: It's so you learn about sacrifice. You're the one with the ash on your forehead, not me. So really, what about TV?
Judas: My TiVo would fill up and it wouldn't record all my shows. How would I get all caught up after Easter?
Me: You'd have 80 hours worth of shows.
Judas: [Dead stare #4]
Me: Really! Really? 80 hours wouldn't be enough?
Judas: Next?
Me: OK, then how about you give up TiVo.
Judas: But what if I missed American Idol?
Me: OK, then give up American Idol.
Judas: Uh-uh. That's the main reason why I can't give up TV!
Me: Really? You can't give up Idol?
Judas: Nope. Next idea?
Me: Well, there's really only one thing left to give up.
Judas: What's that?
Me: Catholicism...cuz you're a poser.
Judas: You're right. I'll just stay a sinner. Idol's on tonight AND tomorrow, right?
ExcelLENT!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
You've been Tati-outed!
Actual IM exchange... tooooo funny. I still think he's pulling my leg - god I hope he is.
Scotty: this is not to be communicated out, but i think i'm a fan of tatiana's
daveyfuzz: hahahahaha!!!!
Scotty: i think she's gonna be the one to shine this season
daveyfuzz: OMG, she needs a straight jacket...and we can no longer be friends hahahaha
Scotty: really...i think the producers are going to glom onto her and she's going to come out of the "shell" or whatever she's in right now
daveyfuzz: really? REALLY!? are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you....you bastard!
Scotty: she's totally going to learn what she needs to do to make it to the top, and nothing is going to stop her. I'm telling you, she's the one to beat...and she can totally sing...and she's pretty...and smart...and motivated
daveyfuzz: I'm TOTALLY cracking up over here. TOTALLY. I'm actually...LOL
Scotty: i'm just say'N. You heard it from me first
daveyfuzz: STOP IT! I'm gonna pee. I'm posting this on my blog. So... i guess I AM communicating it out! Sorry!
Scotty: then everyone will know who called it first. Saweet!
daveyfuzz: oh..consider yourself Tati-outed!
Scotty: i say she makes it into top 12
daveyfuzz: bye...forever! LOL
Scotty: this is not to be communicated out, but i think i'm a fan of tatiana's
daveyfuzz: hahahahaha!!!!
Scotty: i think she's gonna be the one to shine this season
daveyfuzz: OMG, she needs a straight jacket...and we can no longer be friends hahahaha
Scotty: really...i think the producers are going to glom onto her and she's going to come out of the "shell" or whatever she's in right now
daveyfuzz: really? REALLY!? are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you....you bastard!
Scotty: she's totally going to learn what she needs to do to make it to the top, and nothing is going to stop her. I'm telling you, she's the one to beat...and she can totally sing...and she's pretty...and smart...and motivated
daveyfuzz: I'm TOTALLY cracking up over here. TOTALLY. I'm actually...LOL
Scotty: i'm just say'N. You heard it from me first
daveyfuzz: STOP IT! I'm gonna pee. I'm posting this on my blog. So... i guess I AM communicating it out! Sorry!
Scotty: then everyone will know who called it first. Saweet!
daveyfuzz: oh..consider yourself Tati-outed!
Scotty: i say she makes it into top 12
daveyfuzz: bye...forever! LOL
Pure effin' poetry
These are from the Apple MacBook Wheel "predictive sentence technology" menu...
Which one is your favorite? Let me know. They're all so brilliant, I had a hard time picking mine.
The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinence.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor. (FAVE)
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favored by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed at the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed our absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned!
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.
The babbling baby baked brownies with the amiable crocodile.
The babbling baby basked in its mother’s affection.
The babbling baby bounced the ball at the babbling brook.
Which one is your favorite? Let me know. They're all so brilliant, I had a hard time picking mine.
The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinence.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor. (FAVE)
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favored by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed at the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed our absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned!
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.
The babbling baby baked brownies with the amiable crocodile.
The babbling baby basked in its mother’s affection.
The babbling baby bounced the ball at the babbling brook.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
I got your stimulus package RIGHT HERE!
The economy - moving in any direction - is driven by one thing - belief. If we "believe" things are going well, people hire and spend. When we "believe" it's weak, we stop spending. So... here's my idea. It's radical - but hey - I'm a maverick.
Use the billions to fund the GREATEST bullshit perception campaign in history. The government should stop the recovery plan to invest in low-impact infrastructure projets (roads et al) and just spend the money on bribes. Yes, bribes. Everyone needs to be lied to so they rapidly change their belief, and feel that everything has changed.
Pay the top analysts and economists to create fake reports. Bribe the largest corporations to publish fake earnings reports and create fake jobs that aren't needed. Pay off the news channels to report on all of the hot news that shows that the change is here. Present tense.
Sometimes, people just want to be told that it's already OK... not that it's going to be OK...but that it ALREADY is OK. We act in the present. So let's get this party started. In the long run, when people have jobs, home prices are up, and spending is surging... they won't feel so bad they were lied to.
There you go. My gift to the US. Your welcome.
Use the billions to fund the GREATEST bullshit perception campaign in history. The government should stop the recovery plan to invest in low-impact infrastructure projets (roads et al) and just spend the money on bribes. Yes, bribes. Everyone needs to be lied to so they rapidly change their belief, and feel that everything has changed.
Pay the top analysts and economists to create fake reports. Bribe the largest corporations to publish fake earnings reports and create fake jobs that aren't needed. Pay off the news channels to report on all of the hot news that shows that the change is here. Present tense.
Sometimes, people just want to be told that it's already OK... not that it's going to be OK...but that it ALREADY is OK. We act in the present. So let's get this party started. In the long run, when people have jobs, home prices are up, and spending is surging... they won't feel so bad they were lied to.
There you go. My gift to the US. Your welcome.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Pooh Bear loves his honey
Last night I got together with some of my old high school friends. We were sitting around the table, eating and laughing, and I took a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that these people have been in my life - and contributed to the memories of my life - more so than any of my relatives, less my immediate family.
There are no last name to bind us. No blood to oblige us. But there we were, friends for over 25 years, and even though months pass in between visits, we pick up as if no time has passed. We know all each other's hot-buttons, quirks, and idiosyncracies. It wasn't our full clan at dinner, but there was 4 of us from the core group - a few husbands, a new boyfriend, and even one of the mothers.
These people are my family. Right? How could they not be? I've known Heather (aka Pho) since I was 11, I've known Kristen (aka Pach or Boobs) since I was 14, and Janene (aka TwoFoot or Janeina) since I was 16. OMG - I've known Pho for 31 years. That's INCREDIBLE. That's family.
People say blood is thicker than water - placing importance on family - which I do get. But if that's true, than what's thicker than blood? Similar to adoption, friends are even more special than our born family because they're the family we choose.
Honey. That's it! Honey is thicker than blood. If family is blood - then friendships are honey.
They're sweet. They add so much joy and happiness to our lives.
They're sticky. Good ones stay around. Great ones stay for life.
Now it makes sense why some people call me Pooh Bear. Cuz I got me a TON of honey... tons of friends that are my family...and I love it!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Heterosexual with complications
Adj.
1. haggard - showing the wearing effects of overwork or care or suffering. Usage: "Ted Haggard appeared haggard in his attempt to convince America that he's not a cock-craving, cum-gurgling, sausage smuggler."
Last night when I got home, I caught the last 20 minutes of the Ted Haggard documentary, and then this morning, my TiVo had his interview with Oprah. I just got done watching it. Great...I was treated to a double-headed haggard dildo.
What a douche. And his wife too.
He was working his agenda hard, saying he's a "Heterosexual with complications"... that's how he identifies himself. No joke. Can you fucking believe that? Would the complication be that he GOT CAUGHT? Or that he can't convince his wife to strap it on?
Oprah's body language was actually pretty severe. She was clearly not buying his - or his wife's - big bag of bullshit. Oprah kept pushing him on the fact that "um, you crave the cock though, right?" Well she didn't put it like that, but close. This isn't over. Just wait. He'll cave in and seek out the meth and the mens soon enough. Oh, revenge is sweet.
I think the funniest thing in the interview, though, was when Oprah said "As a heterosexual, I don't know what it's like to have homosexual thoughts. But I have many gay friends." And all I could think of was, "Yeah, like your girlfriend Gayle."
1. haggard - showing the wearing effects of overwork or care or suffering. Usage: "Ted Haggard appeared haggard in his attempt to convince America that he's not a cock-craving, cum-gurgling, sausage smuggler."
Last night when I got home, I caught the last 20 minutes of the Ted Haggard documentary, and then this morning, my TiVo had his interview with Oprah. I just got done watching it. Great...I was treated to a double-headed haggard dildo.
What a douche. And his wife too.
He was working his agenda hard, saying he's a "Heterosexual with complications"... that's how he identifies himself. No joke. Can you fucking believe that? Would the complication be that he GOT CAUGHT? Or that he can't convince his wife to strap it on?
Oprah's body language was actually pretty severe. She was clearly not buying his - or his wife's - big bag of bullshit. Oprah kept pushing him on the fact that "um, you crave the cock though, right?" Well she didn't put it like that, but close. This isn't over. Just wait. He'll cave in and seek out the meth and the mens soon enough. Oh, revenge is sweet.
I think the funniest thing in the interview, though, was when Oprah said "As a heterosexual, I don't know what it's like to have homosexual thoughts. But I have many gay friends." And all I could think of was, "Yeah, like your girlfriend Gayle."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The greatest birthday month anyone could ask for
It used to always be a bust. Having your birthday two days after New Year's Eve. Everyone is pooped after the holidays, back to school, back to work. It's never really been a great time to have a birthday...but all that changed this year.
2009 will go down as the single best birthday celebratory year for me - ever. I've had more birthday parties, dinners, and drinks than I can count. It's truly been the most special year in that regards and I really enjoyed feeling what it was like to have a birthday month. I used to joke about people who would insist that the month of their birth entitled them to 30-days of celebration. But after experiencing a birthday month myself ...I'm sold!
It all started on Friday Jan 2nd, when Matt conconcted a truly clever plan to suprise me with a trip to the Roller Rink! Yes...skating! SO GOOD! Oh my god. I hadn't been roller skating since I was 12 or 13 so it was retrofabulous. He arranged for a big van to take 13 of us to the rink - we skated for about 1.5 hours and then we piled in the van to finish the party at Wilma and Andrew's place. It was truly the best birthday surprise I've EVER had. One of the best parts was doing the hokey pokey on skates. Matt wanted me to wear leg warmers and short-shorts but I was too nervous about looking crazy among all the twelve-year old girls. Everyone skated and did awesome! It was like riding a bike. It was so great. The most original and surprising birthdays I've ever been to - or been the guest of honor. Good one Matt! That one goes in the books and you've raised the bar for amazing birthday surprises. Thank you so much :-)
Then, the next eve, actually on my birthday, Wilma and Andrew threw the best and fanciest dinner party. Fine china. Champagne, wine, and martinis (of course). Great friends including Pandy, Matt, Andrew R, Myk, Monika, Jason, and Ashley. And a 4 course dinner of homecooked food they spent ALL day preparing. I have to share the menu cuz it was so delish. Course 1: Mushroom and onion soup. Course 2: Beef Burgenion with potatoes. Course 3: A cheese course with breads and nuts (SO DECADENT). Course 4: Bread pudding. Now, it was ALL amazing... but that bread pudding sent shivers through me. Foodgasms for days. We had an amazing evening and it really was such a great way to celebrate my actual birthday.
So to Matt, Wilma, and Andrew, thank you three for putting so much thought, effort, and love into making my birthday truly the best ever. I felt so special and loved.
The rest of the month seemed like it was an ongoing "Oh, let me get that...since I missed your birthday." or "Let's grab a birthday beer!" Let's not forget dinner with my family to celebrate me mid-month since I was out of town for my actual birthday. My mom even made me lasagna which she hasn't made for us since we were kids. I got to bring a whole pan of it home and got to continue the birthday love each night that week with yummy leftovers.
Then Don took me and Pandy out to an amazing evening to celebrate our collective birthdays. It was and eve of drinks then a nice dinner at "Orson" a hip newish place in SOMA - where the owner of the restaurant, Elizabeth Faulkner, actually came over to our table and started talking to us (she had to share her appreciation for the way I was eating her signature hamburger...God, what I must have looked like for her to be so compelled to approach us, hahaha). Then it was back out to the Pilsner to hang out with a bigger group of friends.
Then last week I went to a dinner and play with Ed, Vicki, and Louis, and he offered the dinner and play as my birthday gift! So sweet!
So I think I deconstructed the perfect formula for the optimal birthday month.
1. Birthday occurs at beginning of the month, kick starting the month as YOUR month. Sorry those of you with birthdays on the 20th and after.
2. Birthday occurs near a holiday, when people are busy, so they schedule alternate events later on
3. Spend it out of town with friends, so you can celebrate with friends - and then celebrate often later, when others try to "catch up with you" when you're back.
4. Tell everyone what a wonderful birthday month you're having so they feel compelled to participate in the love fest ;-) jk jk
In all seriousness, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends that wanted to spend some time with me and celebrate the day I screamed out my first "Heeeeeey Grrrrl!!"
2009 will go down as the single best birthday celebratory year for me - ever. I've had more birthday parties, dinners, and drinks than I can count. It's truly been the most special year in that regards and I really enjoyed feeling what it was like to have a birthday month. I used to joke about people who would insist that the month of their birth entitled them to 30-days of celebration. But after experiencing a birthday month myself ...I'm sold!
It all started on Friday Jan 2nd, when Matt conconcted a truly clever plan to suprise me with a trip to the Roller Rink! Yes...skating! SO GOOD! Oh my god. I hadn't been roller skating since I was 12 or 13 so it was retrofabulous. He arranged for a big van to take 13 of us to the rink - we skated for about 1.5 hours and then we piled in the van to finish the party at Wilma and Andrew's place. It was truly the best birthday surprise I've EVER had. One of the best parts was doing the hokey pokey on skates. Matt wanted me to wear leg warmers and short-shorts but I was too nervous about looking crazy among all the twelve-year old girls. Everyone skated and did awesome! It was like riding a bike. It was so great. The most original and surprising birthdays I've ever been to - or been the guest of honor. Good one Matt! That one goes in the books and you've raised the bar for amazing birthday surprises. Thank you so much :-)
Then, the next eve, actually on my birthday, Wilma and Andrew threw the best and fanciest dinner party. Fine china. Champagne, wine, and martinis (of course). Great friends including Pandy, Matt, Andrew R, Myk, Monika, Jason, and Ashley. And a 4 course dinner of homecooked food they spent ALL day preparing. I have to share the menu cuz it was so delish. Course 1: Mushroom and onion soup. Course 2: Beef Burgenion with potatoes. Course 3: A cheese course with breads and nuts (SO DECADENT). Course 4: Bread pudding. Now, it was ALL amazing... but that bread pudding sent shivers through me. Foodgasms for days. We had an amazing evening and it really was such a great way to celebrate my actual birthday.
So to Matt, Wilma, and Andrew, thank you three for putting so much thought, effort, and love into making my birthday truly the best ever. I felt so special and loved.
The rest of the month seemed like it was an ongoing "Oh, let me get that...since I missed your birthday." or "Let's grab a birthday beer!" Let's not forget dinner with my family to celebrate me mid-month since I was out of town for my actual birthday. My mom even made me lasagna which she hasn't made for us since we were kids. I got to bring a whole pan of it home and got to continue the birthday love each night that week with yummy leftovers.
Then Don took me and Pandy out to an amazing evening to celebrate our collective birthdays. It was and eve of drinks then a nice dinner at "Orson" a hip newish place in SOMA - where the owner of the restaurant, Elizabeth Faulkner, actually came over to our table and started talking to us (she had to share her appreciation for the way I was eating her signature hamburger...God, what I must have looked like for her to be so compelled to approach us, hahaha). Then it was back out to the Pilsner to hang out with a bigger group of friends.
Then last week I went to a dinner and play with Ed, Vicki, and Louis, and he offered the dinner and play as my birthday gift! So sweet!
So I think I deconstructed the perfect formula for the optimal birthday month.
1. Birthday occurs at beginning of the month, kick starting the month as YOUR month. Sorry those of you with birthdays on the 20th and after.
2. Birthday occurs near a holiday, when people are busy, so they schedule alternate events later on
3. Spend it out of town with friends, so you can celebrate with friends - and then celebrate often later, when others try to "catch up with you" when you're back.
4. Tell everyone what a wonderful birthday month you're having so they feel compelled to participate in the love fest ;-) jk jk
In all seriousness, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends that wanted to spend some time with me and celebrate the day I screamed out my first "Heeeeeey Grrrrl!!"
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