So, I just took one of those Facebook quizzes... it was called, "What niche San Francisco stereotype are you." After answering 5 lame questions, this is what it said...word for word...no shit...
Gay Fuzzy Bear of the Castro
You are a big fat gay dude who loves the man's ass. You love leather and fuzzy chests. In fact that is the only thing that remotely resembles a noble bear, is the hair. Other than that a bear would maul your ass and eat you for dinner.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Mtt wehnt tyo brreacudea lst nghght
Oh blog, it's been sooooo long since we've chatted. I've been super busy with work ... blah blah blah... but last night reinvigorated me to chat with you again. Matt went out last night to Bearacuda and oh did the drunk texts abound. Take a peek. This is an ACTUAL transcription. My favorite is actually the last line... where he somehow inserted this character ^ into his text... LOL... That's my honey!!! Also notice how many texts he does in a row... without any response.
Matt: I'MNE FSIRY SIURE I'M DRUNKLK OMG FOUCKING LOMNG ISLANDF COCKLRTAILS
Matt: I"Im gairty siurei'm trasjhed lol fammnit
Matt: Thkrtrsr a xhanxe eric and ee njj!
Matt: Tyhjnnjt hg gtyhnn
Matt: .ammg thois is the tomnri chrexk outt
Matt: I'MN PREETY SIREWI'? VEYOND DRUBK OLOK I LOVE MY HHHHAONEY NBEAYR
Matt: Og sjgiit gabrbe anf r teyibiig to get! awker
Matt: I THLIINK ALDRICHJ jioust have m e ahug
Dave: Sounds fun hunny. Come home safe.
Matt: I Ihk mu himehybetah so myxhzzz!!!!
Matt: Hkomily to u babnmy baeasr
Dave: LOL Glad u r having a good time
Matt: Ykes bu t ikI'm totallu y fucktted up
Dave: I can tell...LOL I'm off to sleep babes muah! Can't wait for you to get home
Matt: I indove my abbabheyneryz!!!
Matt: sjo eric mam abd gsldj r here so maybr m y they can tqkre me hoeme
Matt: I THIVNK ANDUTU ID ORDWRING MER AN HAM CRAPRE O RM SHIT
Matt: O bgh we7kre got s ham som byjing dannwicjhhhib mimss maj memberhr!!!!!!! goddddmkbit a
Matt: Oond g my fgawd. kh^l) so trajzched i thkink andty iks ciminbhg to gret me
Matt: I'MNE FSIRY SIURE I'M DRUNKLK OMG FOUCKING LOMNG ISLANDF COCKLRTAILS
Matt: I"Im gairty siurei'm trasjhed lol fammnit
Matt: Thkrtrsr a xhanxe eric and ee njj!
Matt: Tyhjnnjt hg gtyhnn
Matt: .ammg thois is the tomnri chrexk outt
Matt: I'MN PREETY SIREWI'? VEYOND DRUBK OLOK I LOVE MY HHHHAONEY NBEAYR
Matt: Og sjgiit gabrbe anf r teyibiig to get! awker
Matt: I THLIINK ALDRICHJ jioust have m e ahug
Dave: Sounds fun hunny. Come home safe.
Matt: I Ihk mu himehybetah so myxhzzz!!!!
Matt: Hkomily to u babnmy baeasr
Dave: LOL Glad u r having a good time
Matt: Ykes bu t ikI'm totallu y fucktted up
Dave: I can tell...LOL I'm off to sleep babes muah! Can't wait for you to get home
Matt: I indove my abbabheyneryz!!!
Matt: sjo eric mam abd gsldj r here so maybr m y they can tqkre me hoeme
Matt: I THIVNK ANDUTU ID ORDWRING MER AN HAM CRAPRE O RM SHIT
Matt: O bgh we7kre got s ham som byjing dannwicjhhhib mimss maj memberhr!!!!!!! goddddmkbit a
Matt: Oond g my fgawd. kh^l) so trajzched i thkink andty iks ciminbhg to gret me
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A skosh nervous
It's funny to be so nervous about something. It's one part exhilaration, one part perspiratio. I know I'm 42 and an adult but I have to admit that in this moment, I feel like a teen/twenties again. Not from a "oh how youthful I feel" but more from a reminiscent feeling of youth.
This weekend I'm flying to Harrisburg to meet Matt's family and friends. I'm nervous about a few things. Of course, the obvious is "Will they like me?". I know that's silly but it is a concern. Although he's open to his parents and they've met his previous partner, it's still a big moment - especially since we don't live close to them AND I'm staying at their house. So this isn't like a meet-n-greet casual dinner and then back home. This is 4 days of staying with them - so it's gonna be lashes set to "charming" for 96 hours! I know it will all be fine - and I'll love them and they'll love me... blah blah blah... but it doesn't change the fact that these nerves are present - and I fear any awkward silences... GAWD I hate the awkward silence. I'll probably just go into Super-chatty mode - which I also need to be conscious of so as not to turn them off...that can be equally as annoying as awkward silences.
One blessing is that Tress, one of Matt's best friends that I'm close with, will also be in Harrisburg staying with us at his parents, so there will be some comic relief as they have known Tress for some time and also adore him. And having him there too will really ease things for me.
Other shining stars are that I've met 2 other dear friends of his that live back there - Lika and Jesse. As long time family friends of Matt's, it's also nice to know there will be familiar faces to see.
The other part I'm nervous about is being a big soggy mess. It'll be August in Pennsylvania...that translates to muggy and hot. Not this bear's best microclimate. Other than trapping myself indoors surrounded by central air, I'm sure we'll need to leave the sanctuary and venture into the swampy outdoors and into a steamy car...enough times for me to be soaked and stinky. That'll impress 'em!
My last nerve-making issue is "Keeping up with the Grigoryans". You see, I've been fairwarned that doing vodka shots is a common occurence during meals to celebrate visitors...a holiday...oxygen... so I'm really nervous about being able to keep up and not accidentally hurl smoked salmon all over my new mother-in-law. "Oh Matt...he's just deLIGHTful!" Matt said he'll teach me how to say "half-size please" in Russian so they'll pour me smaller shots, but I'm sure that translates into "Big pussy here" and I don't want to embarass Matt to his family.
I'll be thankful for three things:
1. I hit it off with his family and friends
2. The humidity and heat don't melt me
3. I pack Advil
Stay tuned for the post-trip report.
This weekend I'm flying to Harrisburg to meet Matt's family and friends. I'm nervous about a few things. Of course, the obvious is "Will they like me?". I know that's silly but it is a concern. Although he's open to his parents and they've met his previous partner, it's still a big moment - especially since we don't live close to them AND I'm staying at their house. So this isn't like a meet-n-greet casual dinner and then back home. This is 4 days of staying with them - so it's gonna be lashes set to "charming" for 96 hours! I know it will all be fine - and I'll love them and they'll love me... blah blah blah... but it doesn't change the fact that these nerves are present - and I fear any awkward silences... GAWD I hate the awkward silence. I'll probably just go into Super-chatty mode - which I also need to be conscious of so as not to turn them off...that can be equally as annoying as awkward silences.
One blessing is that Tress, one of Matt's best friends that I'm close with, will also be in Harrisburg staying with us at his parents, so there will be some comic relief as they have known Tress for some time and also adore him. And having him there too will really ease things for me.
Other shining stars are that I've met 2 other dear friends of his that live back there - Lika and Jesse. As long time family friends of Matt's, it's also nice to know there will be familiar faces to see.
The other part I'm nervous about is being a big soggy mess. It'll be August in Pennsylvania...that translates to muggy and hot. Not this bear's best microclimate. Other than trapping myself indoors surrounded by central air, I'm sure we'll need to leave the sanctuary and venture into the swampy outdoors and into a steamy car...enough times for me to be soaked and stinky. That'll impress 'em!
My last nerve-making issue is "Keeping up with the Grigoryans". You see, I've been fairwarned that doing vodka shots is a common occurence during meals to celebrate visitors...a holiday...oxygen... so I'm really nervous about being able to keep up and not accidentally hurl smoked salmon all over my new mother-in-law. "Oh Matt...he's just deLIGHTful!" Matt said he'll teach me how to say "half-size please" in Russian so they'll pour me smaller shots, but I'm sure that translates into "Big pussy here" and I don't want to embarass Matt to his family.
I'll be thankful for three things:
1. I hit it off with his family and friends
2. The humidity and heat don't melt me
3. I pack Advil
Stay tuned for the post-trip report.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Baby make? Good baby.
Funny how when we're infants, the grandest thing you can do to receive acclaim is poop your pants. Unveiling a hot and heavy steamer in the nest of a diaper is a treasure chest when you're at the pacifier stage.
Not so much when you're 42.
Last week I was suffering from the onset of a severe stomach flu or food poisoning. I tried coming to work but was exhausted and dehydrated from my hours on the throne. I crawled into the backseat of my car to grab a quick catnap to help invigorate me.
When I awoke, I felt another rumble in the Bronx, sat up in the car, and headed towards the public restroom in our office complex. On the way...I sensed something running down the back of my thigh. I stopped. Touched my ass. And, yes, to my chagrin my entire backside was soaked with my sick.
I then had to walk through the office complex courtyard where people lounged to get to the restroom. Interject "MORTIFIED" look on my face when I got to the restroom and pulled off my jeans. OH EM GEE!!
I basically had to bathe myself, toss the "treasure chest" into the garbage can, and get to my parent's house which was only 7 miles from work. But the worse part was that I had to put those NASTY WET jeans back on to get back to my car.
I did, and hurried back through the complex courtyard, pivoting by passer-bys pretending to talk on my cell phone so I could keep my front to everyone. So stealth.
When I got to my car, I realized I couldn't sit on the seat, so I took off my pants in the parking garage, and planned to drive naked to my parent's. But this journey is not over. I sat in the car only to be welcomed to the stench that I had just left behind in the bathroom. I turn around and see a wet spot on the backseat. I guess when I sat up from my nap - that's when it occurred. I quickly put those nasty jeans back on, ran around to the back and soaked the seat with water from my gym bottle...and scrubbed fast and furious in my best Joan Crawford because I truly was MAD AT THE DIRT.
I got naked once again, crawled into the driver seat and drove to my parents house. It was so weird to drive naked from the waist down. OK, it was a little exciting. Got to parent's house, had to put those damn jeans back on again to get into the house. Once in, I crawled into bed to sleep the adventure away.
Precious.
Not so much when you're 42.
Last week I was suffering from the onset of a severe stomach flu or food poisoning. I tried coming to work but was exhausted and dehydrated from my hours on the throne. I crawled into the backseat of my car to grab a quick catnap to help invigorate me.
When I awoke, I felt another rumble in the Bronx, sat up in the car, and headed towards the public restroom in our office complex. On the way...I sensed something running down the back of my thigh. I stopped. Touched my ass. And, yes, to my chagrin my entire backside was soaked with my sick.
I then had to walk through the office complex courtyard where people lounged to get to the restroom. Interject "MORTIFIED" look on my face when I got to the restroom and pulled off my jeans. OH EM GEE!!
I basically had to bathe myself, toss the "treasure chest" into the garbage can, and get to my parent's house which was only 7 miles from work. But the worse part was that I had to put those NASTY WET jeans back on to get back to my car.
I did, and hurried back through the complex courtyard, pivoting by passer-bys pretending to talk on my cell phone so I could keep my front to everyone. So stealth.
When I got to my car, I realized I couldn't sit on the seat, so I took off my pants in the parking garage, and planned to drive naked to my parent's. But this journey is not over. I sat in the car only to be welcomed to the stench that I had just left behind in the bathroom. I turn around and see a wet spot on the backseat. I guess when I sat up from my nap - that's when it occurred. I quickly put those nasty jeans back on, ran around to the back and soaked the seat with water from my gym bottle...and scrubbed fast and furious in my best Joan Crawford because I truly was MAD AT THE DIRT.
I got naked once again, crawled into the driver seat and drove to my parents house. It was so weird to drive naked from the waist down. OK, it was a little exciting. Got to parent's house, had to put those damn jeans back on again to get into the house. Once in, I crawled into bed to sleep the adventure away.
Precious.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Fabulous Atrocity...?
...or Atrocious Fabulosity? You decide...
Can you imagine a house filled with mirrored furniture? hi, narcissa
Can you imagine a house filled with mirrored furniture? hi, narcissa
Friday, May 22, 2009
Good Morning from Manhattan
I arrived in NYC last night...well, technically this morning at 1:30am...to be greeting by a cool spring eve. I grabbed a cab north for about 80 blocks from 33rd to 113th where Gabe and Jason live. I had the window down, and we drove up Central Park West the majority of the way - so I could looky-lou at all the grand parkside buildings.
This morning, Gabe and I headed out to have a Bagel and Lox at a historic Jewish deli/restaurant calle Barney Greenspan's. It was super tasty - but wow - $16 for a bagel with lox... welcome to Manhattan!
Then, after Gabe dropped into the subway system towards his meeting, I decided to walk approx 30 blocks through Central Park on my way back to his place. Once I stepped foot into the park, I realized that it's the first time I've ever really walked THRU the park.
It really is a spectacular park. So well manicured. Clean. Beautiful trails and water features. My favorite place was sitting down and enjoying "The Pond". I'd like to come back here with my honey, grab a spot under a tree and lay on a big blanket and take a nap. So serene. Maybe one day soon ;-)
I'm looking forward to seeing some other friends while here. Gabe & Jason's place is HUGE! 3-stories - prob about 2800-3200 sq feet - and the neighborhood, Morningside, is really adorable. Great to see and be in a new part of the city.
This morning, Gabe and I headed out to have a Bagel and Lox at a historic Jewish deli/restaurant calle Barney Greenspan's. It was super tasty - but wow - $16 for a bagel with lox... welcome to Manhattan!
Then, after Gabe dropped into the subway system towards his meeting, I decided to walk approx 30 blocks through Central Park on my way back to his place. Once I stepped foot into the park, I realized that it's the first time I've ever really walked THRU the park.
It really is a spectacular park. So well manicured. Clean. Beautiful trails and water features. My favorite place was sitting down and enjoying "The Pond". I'd like to come back here with my honey, grab a spot under a tree and lay on a big blanket and take a nap. So serene. Maybe one day soon ;-)
I'm looking forward to seeing some other friends while here. Gabe & Jason's place is HUGE! 3-stories - prob about 2800-3200 sq feet - and the neighborhood, Morningside, is really adorable. Great to see and be in a new part of the city.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I see you
Two days before my grandma's visit was to end, she had to be rushed to the ER for some internal bleeding. They performed emergency surgery to repair a hernia that ruptured through her intenstine wall. Needlesstosay, her stay has been extended.
I went yesterday to visit her in ICU and it was both hard and sweet. As I approached the ICU ward I walked by the rooms and looked in to see which one held her. I walked slowly and as I passed the doorways, I'd take a quick peek in to see where she was. I walked by them all and didn't see her, yet saw a host of extremely ill people connected to so much equipment it was spooky.
I figured they had moved her to the regular hospital ward. Thank god. I went up to the nurse to ask what room my grandma had been moved to. I asked the desk nurse, "Where can I find Ann D'Amore?" She hestitated as if the name didn't sounds familiar. She then said "Oh, Ann Damore, she's right there." And points to the room right behind me. I turned to see a small, feable woman with slicked-back gray hair, eyes closed, tubes down her throat and nose. Tubes coming out of her sides, and a machine forcing her to breath. It was my grandma. Just moments before, I had completely walked by, looked in, and dismissed her as someone I didn't know. That was hard.
Within 3 minutes of me being there, the Pulmonist came in and said they were taking her off the breathing tube, so they pulled all the tape away from her mouth and then started pulling the tube out. She coughed and gagged but seemed very relieved to have it out. Once they were done, they pointed at me, and asked her "Ann, do you know who that is?" And her eyes opened heavily and she coarsely mouthed, "That's my baby." That was sweet.
I stayed for about 2 hours but her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping for the most part, but every so often she would push her eyes open, with a very drugged and dazed look on her face. She looked so uncomfortable, in pain, and really out of it so I just stroked her arm, and rubbed her fingers and run my fingers on her forehead. At one point she opened her eyes, forced a teeeny smile, and mouthed "I love you." and that made me well up.
To see her so weak and near death was really a disturbing moment. She's always so spicy, firey, and sassy. She really looked like she was going to pass away and that was a terrible sight. The one thing we were totally happy about was this happened here - and not in NJ. She doesn't have anyone that can really care for her back home, so at least she can recover here at my parents' house and my mom can take care of her.
My parents showed up and we started talking about her recovery, and her insurance, and questioning whether or not her coverage is good enough for an emergency surgery and 3 days in ICU. While standing over her, we started talking about our healthcare compared to other countries that have socialized medicine and taking the perspective that other countries like Norway, Sweden, and Canada may actually do healthcare better. I look down and my grandma mouths to me "Fuck You." I started cracking up it was so good to see that sassiness coming through. She's a proud American and hates when people bad mouth America... so even in her foggy recovery, it was nice to know she could understand us - and still be a firecracker even in ICU.
I love you grandma.
I went yesterday to visit her in ICU and it was both hard and sweet. As I approached the ICU ward I walked by the rooms and looked in to see which one held her. I walked slowly and as I passed the doorways, I'd take a quick peek in to see where she was. I walked by them all and didn't see her, yet saw a host of extremely ill people connected to so much equipment it was spooky.
I figured they had moved her to the regular hospital ward. Thank god. I went up to the nurse to ask what room my grandma had been moved to. I asked the desk nurse, "Where can I find Ann D'Amore?" She hestitated as if the name didn't sounds familiar. She then said "Oh, Ann Damore, she's right there." And points to the room right behind me. I turned to see a small, feable woman with slicked-back gray hair, eyes closed, tubes down her throat and nose. Tubes coming out of her sides, and a machine forcing her to breath. It was my grandma. Just moments before, I had completely walked by, looked in, and dismissed her as someone I didn't know. That was hard.
Within 3 minutes of me being there, the Pulmonist came in and said they were taking her off the breathing tube, so they pulled all the tape away from her mouth and then started pulling the tube out. She coughed and gagged but seemed very relieved to have it out. Once they were done, they pointed at me, and asked her "Ann, do you know who that is?" And her eyes opened heavily and she coarsely mouthed, "That's my baby." That was sweet.
I stayed for about 2 hours but her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping for the most part, but every so often she would push her eyes open, with a very drugged and dazed look on her face. She looked so uncomfortable, in pain, and really out of it so I just stroked her arm, and rubbed her fingers and run my fingers on her forehead. At one point she opened her eyes, forced a teeeny smile, and mouthed "I love you." and that made me well up.
To see her so weak and near death was really a disturbing moment. She's always so spicy, firey, and sassy. She really looked like she was going to pass away and that was a terrible sight. The one thing we were totally happy about was this happened here - and not in NJ. She doesn't have anyone that can really care for her back home, so at least she can recover here at my parents' house and my mom can take care of her.
My parents showed up and we started talking about her recovery, and her insurance, and questioning whether or not her coverage is good enough for an emergency surgery and 3 days in ICU. While standing over her, we started talking about our healthcare compared to other countries that have socialized medicine and taking the perspective that other countries like Norway, Sweden, and Canada may actually do healthcare better. I look down and my grandma mouths to me "Fuck You." I started cracking up it was so good to see that sassiness coming through. She's a proud American and hates when people bad mouth America... so even in her foggy recovery, it was nice to know she could understand us - and still be a firecracker even in ICU.
I love you grandma.
Monday, May 11, 2009
There just aren't enough words
What it lacks in technical merit...well really any merit at all... it makes up for in memorability
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Almost a decade for butterflies
First off, I apologize for the month-long delay in-between entries. To say things have been crazy since March 2nd is an understatement. Why March 2nd? Well that's the day my life changed. For the better. You see, from December of 1999 til March 1 of 2009 I've been going through life as a single gay man. A man who remained single because he was searching for something that really felt special. Frankly...I've been waiting to feel butterflies. I waited for almost a decade but it was all worth it.
I'm happy to announce to the WORLD that Matt and I are now in a relationship and I have a full-fledged butterfly aviary in my belly... and it feels AMAZING.
Matt and I have known each other for about 4.5 years, but after he and Scott parted ways, we started spending a great deal of time together and through that time we started getting closer and closer. And I started feeling those butterflies.
The scary thing, I have to admit, was that over the past few years, I started to wonder if I was EVER going to be in love again. I had to have a few serious conversations with myself and said, "Well Dave, it may just be like this for the rest of your life." And I started to listen to that voice more and more...and was saddened to think that I may never be in love again.
Now that Matt and I are together - I've never been happier. It's so great to feel these feelings again and to be silly, giddy, romantic, and loving. The unfortunate part is that Matt currently lives in LA and although he isn't too fond of it there, that's where his job is right now. He'd like to get back to SF as soon as he can, but we'll just do the long distance thing until the gods twitch their nose and make a few changes in our favor.
We've had the great fortune to spend 6 of the first 8 weekends of our relationship together - and I'm very excited about his visit next weekend to meet my family and some of my SJ friends. And our plan is to try and see each other at least every 3 weeks. I also talked to work about me working remotely for a week a month so I can spend a few longer trips with Matt in LA until the U-haul brings him home.
Our dynamic has been incredible. We have so much fun when we're together - and the way I see it, we're just a great match. We share a solid and close group of friends, which have been very supportive and encouraging.
The only way to describe how I feel is that I constantly wish I could smile bigger than I'm physically capable of.
He's my guy... I've got a guy... wow - it's been so long since I've been able to say that... I'm just "YAY" all over my face.
I'm happy to announce to the WORLD that Matt and I are now in a relationship and I have a full-fledged butterfly aviary in my belly... and it feels AMAZING.
Matt and I have known each other for about 4.5 years, but after he and Scott parted ways, we started spending a great deal of time together and through that time we started getting closer and closer. And I started feeling those butterflies.
The scary thing, I have to admit, was that over the past few years, I started to wonder if I was EVER going to be in love again. I had to have a few serious conversations with myself and said, "Well Dave, it may just be like this for the rest of your life." And I started to listen to that voice more and more...and was saddened to think that I may never be in love again.
Now that Matt and I are together - I've never been happier. It's so great to feel these feelings again and to be silly, giddy, romantic, and loving. The unfortunate part is that Matt currently lives in LA and although he isn't too fond of it there, that's where his job is right now. He'd like to get back to SF as soon as he can, but we'll just do the long distance thing until the gods twitch their nose and make a few changes in our favor.
We've had the great fortune to spend 6 of the first 8 weekends of our relationship together - and I'm very excited about his visit next weekend to meet my family and some of my SJ friends. And our plan is to try and see each other at least every 3 weeks. I also talked to work about me working remotely for a week a month so I can spend a few longer trips with Matt in LA until the U-haul brings him home.
Our dynamic has been incredible. We have so much fun when we're together - and the way I see it, we're just a great match. We share a solid and close group of friends, which have been very supportive and encouraging.
The only way to describe how I feel is that I constantly wish I could smile bigger than I'm physically capable of.
He's my guy... I've got a guy... wow - it's been so long since I've been able to say that... I'm just "YAY" all over my face.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sie saugen, Konservativen!
This is an amazing example of how tolerance can be taught to children!
Suck it, conservatives!
Monday, March 16, 2009
I'm holding my breath until I get this
IWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANTIWANT
Sunday, March 8, 2009
iAm happy now
I've been so annoyed that I could never blog from my iPhone but I just discovered how. Life is good.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
It's all over their face
Do you think you can tell the character of a person from the look on their face? I know it's a stretch to say that you can, but I kinda feel it's true to a certain degree.
I was on the SF Metro subway yesterday heading to the movies and while the train was going through the mountain from Castro to West Portal, I started to think about disasters. I know, right? Why would I think about disasters while in a tunnel under a mountain. Well, I did. I was thinking about movies like Poseidon Adventure, Towering Inferno, and the like. In those movies, there's always that group of people that didn't know each other but now depend on each other for their survival. They need to use their special skills and intellect to help the group survive.
So as we were heading through the mountain, I was thinking "What if there was an earthquake right now and the train got stuck in the tunnel?" I started to scan the train to look at all the people trying to find those special few that had a strong character on their face - something in their face that would give me a sign that they would be the ones I'd team up with to crawl - for days - to find daylight.
I looked to my left. I looked to my right. I looked at everyone's face to see what I could glean about their character and to identify whether or not they'd be the ones. After scanning the entire train, I came to one conclusion.
This train BETTER make it to West Portal.
I was on the SF Metro subway yesterday heading to the movies and while the train was going through the mountain from Castro to West Portal, I started to think about disasters. I know, right? Why would I think about disasters while in a tunnel under a mountain. Well, I did. I was thinking about movies like Poseidon Adventure, Towering Inferno, and the like. In those movies, there's always that group of people that didn't know each other but now depend on each other for their survival. They need to use their special skills and intellect to help the group survive.
So as we were heading through the mountain, I was thinking "What if there was an earthquake right now and the train got stuck in the tunnel?" I started to scan the train to look at all the people trying to find those special few that had a strong character on their face - something in their face that would give me a sign that they would be the ones I'd team up with to crawl - for days - to find daylight.
I looked to my left. I looked to my right. I looked at everyone's face to see what I could glean about their character and to identify whether or not they'd be the ones. After scanning the entire train, I came to one conclusion.
This train BETTER make it to West Portal.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thou shall not dis....starting now
As a follow-up to my last blog entry
Me: So, did you finally choose what to give up for Lent?
Judas: Yes, I decided that I'm not going to talk "shit" about people.
Me: Really?
Judas: Hey, I'm a girl. That's going to be hard.
Me: Well I'm glad you made a decision.
Judas: [Slams her palm over her mouth] Oh shit, yesterday I TOTALLY talked shit about someone. Damn!
Me: You should've just given up booze.
Judas: You're right. OK...BE NICE...starting...NOW!
The next 5 weeks are going to be fun!
Me: So, did you finally choose what to give up for Lent?
Judas: Yes, I decided that I'm not going to talk "shit" about people.
Me: Really?
Judas: Hey, I'm a girl. That's going to be hard.
Me: Well I'm glad you made a decision.
Judas: [Slams her palm over her mouth] Oh shit, yesterday I TOTALLY talked shit about someone. Damn!
Me: You should've just given up booze.
Judas: You're right. OK...BE NICE...starting...NOW!
The next 5 weeks are going to be fun!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
excelLENT
I just had a lunch with my friend...who, for this story, I'll call..."Judas". And she had the ash on her forehead cuz today is, well, Ash Wednesday. We started talking about Lent and what she was planning to sacrifice for the next 5 weeks. Here's our conversation:
Judas: I need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent.
Me: What are you considering?
Judas: I don't know, probably alcohol.
Me: And what is the criteria you're using to decide?
Judas: I'm supposed to give up something that means a great deal to me.
Me: [I held up her iPhone] What about this?
Judas: NO WAY! [She nabs it from me in disgust] I can't live without my phone for 5 weeks. How will people call me? How will my boyfriend text me? I have a child!
Me: Um, people have been calling others for over half-a-century using regular phones. You had boyfriends before texting. And people have been raising children forever before there were cell phones.
Judas: True. But I couldn't live without my phone for 5 weeks. What else could I give up?
Me: How about sex?
Judas: WHAT? No way. Geez, why are you asking me to give up things I can't live without?
Me: Um, isn't that the point of this exercise?
Judas: Is it? I'd give up sex before I gave up my iPhone.
Me: OK, how about giving up Facebook?
Judas: [Dead stare at me] Be serious. How would I stalk my boyfriend? What else you got?
Me: Really? You couldn't give up Facebook for 5 weeks?
Judas: [Dead stare #2]
Me: [As we pass a Starbucks I point at it] Give up that.
Judas: STARBUCKS?! Are you crazy?
Me: No, I mean give up coffee.
Judas: WHAT?! You don't want me to give that up, trust me.
Me: You could do it.
Judas: No way. Next?
Me: OK, then give up vanity. No make-up.
Judas: Can't. I have a wedding to go to this weekend.
Me: So?
Judas: [Dead stare #3]
Me: OK, what about giving up TV?
Judas: Then how will I kill time everynight? Why are you picking tough ones?
Me: It's so you learn about sacrifice. You're the one with the ash on your forehead, not me. So really, what about TV?
Judas: My TiVo would fill up and it wouldn't record all my shows. How would I get all caught up after Easter?
Me: You'd have 80 hours worth of shows.
Judas: [Dead stare #4]
Me: Really! Really? 80 hours wouldn't be enough?
Judas: Next?
Me: OK, then how about you give up TiVo.
Judas: But what if I missed American Idol?
Me: OK, then give up American Idol.
Judas: Uh-uh. That's the main reason why I can't give up TV!
Me: Really? You can't give up Idol?
Judas: Nope. Next idea?
Me: Well, there's really only one thing left to give up.
Judas: What's that?
Me: Catholicism...cuz you're a poser.
Judas: You're right. I'll just stay a sinner. Idol's on tonight AND tomorrow, right?
ExcelLENT!
Judas: I need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent.
Me: What are you considering?
Judas: I don't know, probably alcohol.
Me: And what is the criteria you're using to decide?
Judas: I'm supposed to give up something that means a great deal to me.
Me: [I held up her iPhone] What about this?
Judas: NO WAY! [She nabs it from me in disgust] I can't live without my phone for 5 weeks. How will people call me? How will my boyfriend text me? I have a child!
Me: Um, people have been calling others for over half-a-century using regular phones. You had boyfriends before texting. And people have been raising children forever before there were cell phones.
Judas: True. But I couldn't live without my phone for 5 weeks. What else could I give up?
Me: How about sex?
Judas: WHAT? No way. Geez, why are you asking me to give up things I can't live without?
Me: Um, isn't that the point of this exercise?
Judas: Is it? I'd give up sex before I gave up my iPhone.
Me: OK, how about giving up Facebook?
Judas: [Dead stare at me] Be serious. How would I stalk my boyfriend? What else you got?
Me: Really? You couldn't give up Facebook for 5 weeks?
Judas: [Dead stare #2]
Me: [As we pass a Starbucks I point at it] Give up that.
Judas: STARBUCKS?! Are you crazy?
Me: No, I mean give up coffee.
Judas: WHAT?! You don't want me to give that up, trust me.
Me: You could do it.
Judas: No way. Next?
Me: OK, then give up vanity. No make-up.
Judas: Can't. I have a wedding to go to this weekend.
Me: So?
Judas: [Dead stare #3]
Me: OK, what about giving up TV?
Judas: Then how will I kill time everynight? Why are you picking tough ones?
Me: It's so you learn about sacrifice. You're the one with the ash on your forehead, not me. So really, what about TV?
Judas: My TiVo would fill up and it wouldn't record all my shows. How would I get all caught up after Easter?
Me: You'd have 80 hours worth of shows.
Judas: [Dead stare #4]
Me: Really! Really? 80 hours wouldn't be enough?
Judas: Next?
Me: OK, then how about you give up TiVo.
Judas: But what if I missed American Idol?
Me: OK, then give up American Idol.
Judas: Uh-uh. That's the main reason why I can't give up TV!
Me: Really? You can't give up Idol?
Judas: Nope. Next idea?
Me: Well, there's really only one thing left to give up.
Judas: What's that?
Me: Catholicism...cuz you're a poser.
Judas: You're right. I'll just stay a sinner. Idol's on tonight AND tomorrow, right?
ExcelLENT!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
You've been Tati-outed!
Actual IM exchange... tooooo funny. I still think he's pulling my leg - god I hope he is.
Scotty: this is not to be communicated out, but i think i'm a fan of tatiana's
daveyfuzz: hahahahaha!!!!
Scotty: i think she's gonna be the one to shine this season
daveyfuzz: OMG, she needs a straight jacket...and we can no longer be friends hahahaha
Scotty: really...i think the producers are going to glom onto her and she's going to come out of the "shell" or whatever she's in right now
daveyfuzz: really? REALLY!? are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you....you bastard!
Scotty: she's totally going to learn what she needs to do to make it to the top, and nothing is going to stop her. I'm telling you, she's the one to beat...and she can totally sing...and she's pretty...and smart...and motivated
daveyfuzz: I'm TOTALLY cracking up over here. TOTALLY. I'm actually...LOL
Scotty: i'm just say'N. You heard it from me first
daveyfuzz: STOP IT! I'm gonna pee. I'm posting this on my blog. So... i guess I AM communicating it out! Sorry!
Scotty: then everyone will know who called it first. Saweet!
daveyfuzz: oh..consider yourself Tati-outed!
Scotty: i say she makes it into top 12
daveyfuzz: bye...forever! LOL
Scotty: this is not to be communicated out, but i think i'm a fan of tatiana's
daveyfuzz: hahahahaha!!!!
Scotty: i think she's gonna be the one to shine this season
daveyfuzz: OMG, she needs a straight jacket...and we can no longer be friends hahahaha
Scotty: really...i think the producers are going to glom onto her and she's going to come out of the "shell" or whatever she's in right now
daveyfuzz: really? REALLY!? are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me, aren't you....you bastard!
Scotty: she's totally going to learn what she needs to do to make it to the top, and nothing is going to stop her. I'm telling you, she's the one to beat...and she can totally sing...and she's pretty...and smart...and motivated
daveyfuzz: I'm TOTALLY cracking up over here. TOTALLY. I'm actually...LOL
Scotty: i'm just say'N. You heard it from me first
daveyfuzz: STOP IT! I'm gonna pee. I'm posting this on my blog. So... i guess I AM communicating it out! Sorry!
Scotty: then everyone will know who called it first. Saweet!
daveyfuzz: oh..consider yourself Tati-outed!
Scotty: i say she makes it into top 12
daveyfuzz: bye...forever! LOL
Pure effin' poetry
These are from the Apple MacBook Wheel "predictive sentence technology" menu...
Which one is your favorite? Let me know. They're all so brilliant, I had a hard time picking mine.
The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinence.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor. (FAVE)
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favored by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed at the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed our absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned!
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.
The babbling baby baked brownies with the amiable crocodile.
The babbling baby basked in its mother’s affection.
The babbling baby bounced the ball at the babbling brook.
Which one is your favorite? Let me know. They're all so brilliant, I had a hard time picking mine.
The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinence.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor. (FAVE)
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favored by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed at the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed our absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned!
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.
The babbling baby baked brownies with the amiable crocodile.
The babbling baby basked in its mother’s affection.
The babbling baby bounced the ball at the babbling brook.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
I got your stimulus package RIGHT HERE!
The economy - moving in any direction - is driven by one thing - belief. If we "believe" things are going well, people hire and spend. When we "believe" it's weak, we stop spending. So... here's my idea. It's radical - but hey - I'm a maverick.
Use the billions to fund the GREATEST bullshit perception campaign in history. The government should stop the recovery plan to invest in low-impact infrastructure projets (roads et al) and just spend the money on bribes. Yes, bribes. Everyone needs to be lied to so they rapidly change their belief, and feel that everything has changed.
Pay the top analysts and economists to create fake reports. Bribe the largest corporations to publish fake earnings reports and create fake jobs that aren't needed. Pay off the news channels to report on all of the hot news that shows that the change is here. Present tense.
Sometimes, people just want to be told that it's already OK... not that it's going to be OK...but that it ALREADY is OK. We act in the present. So let's get this party started. In the long run, when people have jobs, home prices are up, and spending is surging... they won't feel so bad they were lied to.
There you go. My gift to the US. Your welcome.
Use the billions to fund the GREATEST bullshit perception campaign in history. The government should stop the recovery plan to invest in low-impact infrastructure projets (roads et al) and just spend the money on bribes. Yes, bribes. Everyone needs to be lied to so they rapidly change their belief, and feel that everything has changed.
Pay the top analysts and economists to create fake reports. Bribe the largest corporations to publish fake earnings reports and create fake jobs that aren't needed. Pay off the news channels to report on all of the hot news that shows that the change is here. Present tense.
Sometimes, people just want to be told that it's already OK... not that it's going to be OK...but that it ALREADY is OK. We act in the present. So let's get this party started. In the long run, when people have jobs, home prices are up, and spending is surging... they won't feel so bad they were lied to.
There you go. My gift to the US. Your welcome.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Pooh Bear loves his honey
Last night I got together with some of my old high school friends. We were sitting around the table, eating and laughing, and I took a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that these people have been in my life - and contributed to the memories of my life - more so than any of my relatives, less my immediate family.
There are no last name to bind us. No blood to oblige us. But there we were, friends for over 25 years, and even though months pass in between visits, we pick up as if no time has passed. We know all each other's hot-buttons, quirks, and idiosyncracies. It wasn't our full clan at dinner, but there was 4 of us from the core group - a few husbands, a new boyfriend, and even one of the mothers.
These people are my family. Right? How could they not be? I've known Heather (aka Pho) since I was 11, I've known Kristen (aka Pach or Boobs) since I was 14, and Janene (aka TwoFoot or Janeina) since I was 16. OMG - I've known Pho for 31 years. That's INCREDIBLE. That's family.
People say blood is thicker than water - placing importance on family - which I do get. But if that's true, than what's thicker than blood? Similar to adoption, friends are even more special than our born family because they're the family we choose.
Honey. That's it! Honey is thicker than blood. If family is blood - then friendships are honey.
They're sweet. They add so much joy and happiness to our lives.
They're sticky. Good ones stay around. Great ones stay for life.
Now it makes sense why some people call me Pooh Bear. Cuz I got me a TON of honey... tons of friends that are my family...and I love it!
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